Thursday, June 29, 2006

Muk and Kirin Sapporo Tackle the Big Issues: Shake Shack and Race



[16:23] kirinsapporo: the crowd is very white. very yuppie. i can't recall ever seeing a black person waiting in line even though a lot of the workers inside are black.
[16:23] mukreport: what self-respecting black person would wait 2 hours for a fucking burger.
[16:24] kirinsapporo: there's an interesting sociological experiment going on there.
[16:24] mukreport: ni**a please.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Vice

Filed Monday, 6/26/2006, 10:12 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France
Photo: Kirin Sapporo


I was at a large agency’s party at an exclusive yacht club. The setup looked like an episode of that MTV show "My Super Sweet 16." [Ed. note: uh yeah, I had to look that up.] They had it all: velvet ropes, smartly dressed bouncers, imported English DJs, and smoke machines.

Fashionwise, I felt ashamed to be a man. [Ed. note: I know you're waiting for a joke here, but Sapporo is my only correspondent and I'm already pushing my luck.] Ad guys were dressed sloppily in jeans, sandals, and t-shirts while the women were dressed to the nines: designer dresses, Jimmy Choos, Prada bags, and salon hair.

White is in. And backless is, uhh, back.

There were a few people I recognized and a fair number of "agency" girls there - and not the advertising kind. I saw a pair of stunning blondes sporting open back blouses and tight white pants with seemingly nothing on underneath. I couldn’t picture either of them working as account planners.

Speaking of subtlety, a conversation with "Mike," an industry player I know, went something like this,

Sapporo: Hey, how’s it going? I just saw [mutual friend] Rick down at the bar.
Mike: Oh yeah? Rick's here? That guy is a fucking asshole.
Sapporo: Uh, how so?
Mike: Well, yesterday he sent his assistant out to score some coke. Rick basically promised the kid a promotion if he could hook 'em up.
Sapporo: He couldn’t manage to get it himself?
Mike: Nope.
Sapporo: [Pause]
Mike: Why, you got any?

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Giraffes, Turtles, and Japanese Pop]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Monday, June 26, 2006

Bumper Badger Part Deux: The Response

Q: What's more satisfying than venting your trivial frustrations on a silly blog?

A: When the object of said frustration responds in your comments section!

Well guys, as the maker of the BUMPER BADGER, let me say I never thought so many people would have so much to say about my product. As for the aesthetics of the thing, maybe you guys should read our website a little more closely. It is not to be used while driving. It is to be used only while your car is parked and you are nowhere in sight. So that when you do drive on the Belt Pkwy you don't look like a bum driving a shiny new car except for the massive scrapes and gouges all over your rear bumper. Better to have the BUMPER BADGER hanging on your bumper when you are not there, than a destroyed bumper when you are. It attaches inside your trunk to the carpet with velcro and you only flip it out when you park. I invented it for you people. So that you don't all have to drive beaters just because you live in the city. Anyway, thank for all the pub muk. And hey, think of us the next time your bodyshop hands you the $350 bill for re-painting the rear bumper of your "ride".

[Earlier: Muk Report: Hunting Badgers in Brooklyn]

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Chat with Muk...

... on AOL.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Giraffes, Turtles, and Japanese Pop

Filed Friday, 6/23/2006, 10:00 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France
Photo: Kirin Sapporo


The sun is white-hot and so are the women. I'm not sure what they're feeding them here, but they all have tight bodies, deep tans and nice cans. Something tells me the cosmetic surgery business is booming in these parts as well.

A female acquaintance was in awe at some of the women walking down the streets. "It's like a completely different animal," she said. "It's like they're a giraffe, and I'm a turtle."

I've been to a few seminars, which were, all told, pretty good. Martin Sheen and one of the creators of Sex and the City talked about advertising and pop culture. David LaChappelle and the cast of "Rize" also showed up during a new director's showcase.

By the way, I think the coolest piece of work at the showcase was this music video from pop artist, YUKI, from Japan. The crowd loved it.

This being France, the patisseries and boulangeres are plentiful and delicious. Sure beats the left over steam table scraps I get from the Korean deli every day.

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In

Today's "dispatch" from Correspondent Sapporo consisted of 5 largely context-free photographs of Cannes.

That's right - no copy.

Someone's having fun AND IT ISN'T THE EDITORIAL STAFF AT THE MUK REPORT!!

More tomorrow... we hope.

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope

Filed Tuesday, 6/21/2006, 4:23 PM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France


It's 75 degrees, humid, and the scenery looks vaguely like Florida. I'm in Cannes, France, home to Greek shipping tycoons, playboys, and stupid visiting Americans like me. We landed in Nice at 9am after a rocky start at JFK.

(Note to Delta: stick with domestic.)

I just ate a a 7 dollar panini and had a 3 dollar coffee, which is pretty much par for New York. No wait... that's 7 EUROS for a panini and 3 EUROS for a coffee, which is roughly 15 dollars. God, I am the poorest schmuck here.

[Ed. note to self: teach Sapporo about currency exchange rates BEFORE he leaves.]

Parties here are big and extremely exclusive. Getting on a list isn't enough; you have to physically have an invite. I asked one of the agencies to confirm a rumor that they're having a big party and I was told "yes, but we have to arrange for you to pick up the invites at a specified drop-off point at a specific time."

WTF???

I know we're on the French Riviera but what's with the James Bond shit? I cut to the chase and asked the president of the agency who then handed me a necklace that is apparently the "invite."

Hmm, nice touch.

[Earlier - Muk Report: Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)

[09:25] mukrao: are you there?
[09:26] kirinsapporo: sure am. sitting in the lobby of the carlton hotel overlooking the mediterranean. or some body of water.
[09:26] mukrao: dude, that's jamaica bay... you're still at jfk you fucking drunk!
[09:27] kirinsapporo: could be, except the coffee and pastries taste considerably better
[09:27] mukrao: fair enough. glad you got there in one piece. now get to work.

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week

In response to the unilateral praise received for last year's Asia Dispatch Week, we here at the Muk Report have decided to continue the tradition of hack foreign journalism by sending Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, to the 53rd Annual Cannes Lions International Advertising Festival.

Armed only with his press pass and an unyielding boner for French ass, Mr. Sapporo promises an all access view of Cannes Lions as the advertising world descends en masse this week.

Who will win the coveted Agency of the Year award? Who will take the Grand Prix? How long before our correspondent figures out that his per diem barely covers a single cup of coffee?

Dispatches are forthcoming. Stay tuned!

[Previously - Muk Report: Asia Dispatch Week]

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Muk and Rob Tackle the Big Issues #1: Golf Infomercials

[19:07] mukrao: ever watch the golf channel in the middle of the day?
[19:07] RobTheBouncer: unfortunately yes
[19:07] mukrao: jesus, what a mess
[19:08] RobTheBouncer: hell, Ken Venturi wouldn't lie to me to sell something, would he?
[19:10] mukrao: "I hold this special Haitian Voodoo Amulet in my asscheeks when I play and now I'm a scratch golfer!"
[19:10] mukrao: "I'm also gay now!!"
[19:10] mukrao: "Back to you, Ken."
[19:10] RobTheBouncer: "Jim McLean sold it to me! And you can trust him, because he's an old white guy!"
[19:11] mukrao: "For 5 easy payments of $49.99 WE'LL PRAY FOR YOUR SHITTY GOLF GAME TO GET BETTER."
[19:12] RobTheBouncer: "And you can believe us because we're standing next to a rose garden, and there's soft jazz playing in the background!"
[19:12] mukrao: "And hell, we'll even throw in that fucked up club with the weird balls on it and the head in the wrong place."
[19:13] RobTheBouncer: "And look! We even have a computer generated dispersion diagram to show you how much closer to the pin you're gonna be for trusting us!"
[19:14] mukrao: marketing 101: dispersion diagrams MOVE UNITS
[19:14] RobTheBouncer: "Here's a testimonial from a fat, middle-aged white guy with glasses!"
[19:14] RobTheBouncer: "He sucks, but we caught his one good shot, and now we're gonna show it to you!"
[19:15] RobTheBouncer: "And here's his wife! If you don't believe us, surely you can trust an upper middle class housewife in her 50's!"
[19:15] mukrao: marketing 102: granpda paunch and liver spots MOVE EVEN MORE UNITS
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: you remember the one with that dude Kevin Trudeau?
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: he had some "golf pro" who was going to be blackballed from the profession for releasing the "real secret"
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: and it was some grizzled tan dude with a mustache
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: I was like, "wow, that's a golf pro, all right."
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: he sure is grizzled
[19:18] mukrao: marketing 201: grizzled MOVES THE MOST UNITS!!!!
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: this exchange is going on your blog, isn't it

Gracias

It's a busy week, but I'd like to thank those of you that came out to see the impromptu show that Amos Lee and I pulled off last night at Freddy's Backroom.

And hats off to Gawker for the plug.

More posting next week.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

How Many Journos Does It Take...



Four things I learned from this Post article,

1. "Grossed-out" is an appropriate adjective to use in a major regional newspaper.
2. Two authors implicity agreed on #1.
3. Some guy exposed his dong on the subway.
4. It may have been Toby Keith.

[NY Post: Subway Flasher Is Dot-Dumb]

Monday, June 05, 2006

The Challenge of Raising a Straight Child

I just worked a future value analysis - and if I invested $1000 today at an annual rate of 9%, compounding continuously, after 16 years I would be pointing a loaded .44 Magnum at my head.

It turns out that in the year 2022, only the wealthiest one percent of Americans will be able to afford community college. And based on what I've learned about community college from Chris Rock, this is not good.

Desperate, I entertained fantasies of athletic scholarships. My daughter's physical build definitely skews toward that of my wife, which takes distance running off the table. And Stanford has yet to boast a caber tossing team, so that's out too.

As I began deliberating other options, I had the following exchange with my two-year-old,

Muk: Do you want to take a bath with dada?
Muk's daughter: YAY, PENIS!!

Well, there goes crew and softball too.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Great Moments in Once-Credulous, Now-Famous Bloggers

An excerpt from a recent conversation with Rob the Bouncer,

[13:34] RobTheBouncer: when i first saw your blog, and didn't know anything about blogs, I thought it was some official journalistic thing just based on the name.
[13:34] RobTheBouncer: like, "Wow! I made The Muk Report!"
[13:35] mukrao: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: it's true
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: I thought I'd finally hit the big time
[13:36] mukrao: you hit the small time my friend.
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: i eventually figured that part out