Friday, April 21, 2006

Hunting Badgers in Brooklyn

I have made a number of very disturbing observations in my neighborhood of late. I'm not talking about assaults, robberies, or the occasional giant trash bag full of dead pigeons.

I'm referring to the product that you see to your left. For $39.99 (plus $5.99 shipping, plus the last shred of your masculinity), you can own the Bumper Badger™.

There are at least two cars on my block that sport this thing. And every time I see it I want to rip it off and destroy the fucking bumper with an ice pick. Look, I keep a car in the city and I also park on the street. I understand the desire to keep one's car in good shape. But I will never put anything called the Bumper Badger™ on my ride. I mean, seriously, why not just wear a sandwich board with the words Feckless Yuppie over your body.

What's next? The Muffler Monkey™? The Headlight Hyena™? The Gas Cap Giraffe™?

To the enterprising people at Chariot Auto who realized they could make a shitload of money selling a $40 doormat to my neighbors: bravo.

To my neighbors: it's never too late to get your dignity back.

Or is it.

P.S. The Bumper Badger™ is not related to the Bag Hutch. Technically.

[Bumper Badger™]

31 Comments:

At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Can't park sloper said...

Fuck that. Assholes like you shouldn't parallel park like Helen Keller.

 
At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a bumper kids. It's meant to be bumped, and dinged, that's what it's for, to protect the body.

I have no problem parking like helen keller when someone has left me 2" in front and back. They were asking for it.

 
At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey douchebag. grow up.

 
At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Jason said...

Seriously? Angry comments defending the Bumber Badger? Jesus, and I thought these jerkweeds in LA were ridiculous...

 
At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Muk,

Please tell where I can buy a feckless yuppie sandwich board.

 
At 8:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

listen, you live in park slope, its ok to admit you are a yuppie, the cats out of the bag. who fucking cares if someone puts a bumper badger on their car, does it really impact your life in the least? you need to stop worrying about what other people do to their bumpers and start focusing more on your writing, it's dropped off quite much in the last couple of weeks.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Cupcake said...

Please. The way things have been developing in our neighborhood lately, a man's bumper is the least of his problems. Call me when they roll out the Anti-Assault Armadillo personal body armour.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger idonothingallday said...

c'mon its trickle down economics in effect

these are the people with too much money

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger Gibson said...

Wait, does that mean that Reagan was right? Are the Bumper Badgers of the world employing the masses?

 
At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just read your post on gawker about neel shah's scathing commentary on Kaavya Viswanathan's plagerizing parts of her novel.

as i am unable to post this comment on gawker, i thought i would direct it to you: i find it especially ironic that neel is commenting on this topic, when he was kicked out of an elite boarding school for cheating during high school . . .

 
At 1:54 PM, Anonymous This is so Punk said...

First and foremost the comments are hysterical about this. Second, there shouldn't be any hate against the slope. Third, the bumper badger has a poor name attached to the product. They should call it the bumper buggy bouncer.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Muk said...

this is so punk - Agreed on all points. Love ya.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Dope on the Slope said...

I agree with cupcake.

What we really need are Ankle Armadillos® to protect those of us who don't drive from getting our ankles scraped by gangs of marauding strollers.

Or maybe we could call them Pangolin Peds.

 
At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo- I drive in Brooklyn and my bumper is fucked up. The value of my jetta has gone down, at least Geico said so... Yes as much as I am tempted by the badger- it for pussies...and I'm a girl.

I would just laugh if I saw some freak with that on the Belt Pkwy. Now- I will be on the lookout and I will pelt the bumper with some bird dodo that I scraped off my neglected car.

 
At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well guys, as the maker of the BUMPER BADGER, let me say I never thought so many people would have so much to say about my product. As for the aesthetics of the thing, maybe you guys should read our website a little more closely. It is not to be used while driving. It is to be used only while your car is parked and you are nowhere in sight. So that when you do drive on the Belt Pkwy you don't look like a bum driving a shiny new car except for the massive scrapes and gouges all over your rear bumper. Better to have the BUMPER BADGER hanging on your bumper when you are not there, than a destroyed bumper when you are. It attaches inside your trunk to the carpet with velcro and you only flip it out when you park. I invented it for you people. So that you don't all have to drive beaters just because you live in the city. Anyway, thank for all the pub muk. And hey, think of us the next time your bodyshop hands you the $350 bill for re-painting the rear bumper of your "ride".

 
At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the inventor...you ARE charging too much for a rubber mat !!! To this MUK lo-ho-ho-ser...get a fucking life !!! Whatever I hang on my car is my business, not yours, and I'd like to catch you with an ice pick anywhere near my bumper...you'd probably enjoy getting it shoved right up your poop chute !!!

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So we just bought a new car. Let me tell you - I didnt give a rats ass when it was my shitty Mitsubishi but I certainly care now. I had so many dents on my car because most idiots don't have the consideration not to touch someone elses property. So I looked up Bumper Badger and this is what I came across. You people have no lives shooting the shit about somebody elses car. What is the matter with you?! Just let me see you go near my car with anything ice pick boy and this non-yuppie brooklyn chick will kick your ass.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Muk said...

Dear Last Two Anonymous Commenters,

I don't own an ice pick.

Best Regards,
Muk

 
At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Admirer said...

Muk, just thought i'd give this sassy thread a bump, and let you know you're a bit of a douche.
Yours,
Henry Rollins

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Muk said...

Yo Henry!

I saw you on South Street in Philly a few years ago. I think you were playing the TLA. Remember that? I was the douche.

P.S. This whole blog is inspired by your comedy. Is it adding up now?

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the blogger that wrote bumpers are made to get ding'd up... (1st) umm, no they are not (2nd) you probably own a piece of shit anyways
(3) thats coming from someone that cant park for shit. bumpers are to protect you from impacts, not jerks that use their car like a pinball. and believe me, it doesnt matter if you can park a semi in the spot, for some reason they have to "tap" your bumper (????WHY????). kudos to the makers of THE BUMPER BADGER

 
At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

who ever made this blog probably cant afford a brand new car thats why hes talking all that shit i got 2 scratches on my bumper for idiot that cant park like this douche listen i havn caght any1 bumping my car just yet but when i do am going to kcik the livin mother fuckin hell out of them when i do and for the creators of the bumper badger good job dont listen to this idiot he probably still sleep with his mom

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You fuckin' yuppies in park slope Can't drive, Can't drink, Can't park and Can't fuck. you're a bunch of ass holes {especially you Muk}

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Jack said...

I just bought a new car three months ago and like some of you felt that I was too manly to buy a bumper badger. That was before two idiots scratched and dented my rear bumper because they couldn't park to save their own lives. It was a heartbreaking feeling to see that first large scratch after only having had the car for a month and a half. Those two incidents happened within two weeks of each other. When my new car was burglarized a week ago, and I had to bring it to a body shop to fix the serious damage, I had them fix the bumper too. My first purchase after getting the car back? The bumper badger. Sorry Muk and to the rest of you slobs who own those pieces of crap that no one could give a shit about, you can't relate unless you have a new car which I am sure you don't.

 
At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thing that is making me want to pull them from their cars and beat them to a sticky paste is the fact that they DRIVE AROUND WITH THEM HANGING OUT!! At least it covers their magnetic yellow ribbons.

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bro, I just bought a new f'in Audi Convert. and some jerk-off that blocked me in(he was at the end of the street and had plenty room behind him). I left plenty room in front of me for me to get out,HE HAD 2 HUGE RUSTY NAILS stickin out and my rear got dented. So screw you I am no f'in yuppie. I should have had one of these from day one
Jersey City NJ

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, I'm going to start this comment with the assumption that you know your blog is an opinionated statement.

Next.

How the fuck, could you even THINK, that trying to protect your own investment with a little rubber protector is a BAD thing?!

In the end, who paid for the car that is getting protected. You, or the hard working person who wants to protect their investment? No matter if it's an '87 civic or a 2008 *insert car here*, you didn't pay for it. They did. Let the OWNER of the vehicle decide if their bumper is worth protecting or not.

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually think they look sort of stylish.

And also, if you're so concerned about the "shitty name". Order one that has no label, or make your own if you're so pissed off at Bumper Badger. At least it's better than another one i've seen around.

I think there should be an option when you buy these bumper guards.

A. Order with logo and you pay less
B. Order with no logo and you pay a little more

Why? Advertising, of course. Pay the extra few dollars, and you get to have a blank one, so no one's the wiser.

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say its a frigging bumper and who cares if it has scratches on it. I drive a 1993 Ford Tempo and it is ugly as fuck, but it runs great. Thats what you should care about .. how the car runs. If youre Mercedes has 5 scratches or 0 its not gonna matter when it doesn't turn over.

 
At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sound like Muk is just bitter and blogging driving around in a 30 yrs old Pinto and is just jealous of people who dont make a living flipping burgers like him that can afford a car that they care if it's scratched up or not (the bumpers on his Pinto probably falls off 10 yrs ago HA!)

 
At 7:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

^^Thanks!!

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