Fun with Yahoo People Search

Because I am a total retard, I actually wondered how many people there were out there named "Phyllis Stein." You know, because it's a homophone for "philistine."

So I powered up the ol' VIC-20 and navigated my way down the Infobahn (buckle up!) over to trusty Yahoo! People Search, and here's what I found,

Phyllis Stein (14)
Phyllis Steen (3)
Phyllis Stine (1)

Only 18 in the whole of the U.S.! So, next time one of your europhile, Guardian-UK-reading, non-Freedom-Fry-eating, abortion-loving, communist friends tells you that 3/4 of our great land is full of boors and louts, you tell 'em The Muk Report told you different.

Word.

I Like Horsies, Give Me a Job

Michael Brown, under intense scrutiny and criticism, stepped down from his position as head of FEMA earlier this month. He recently testified before the House Select Committee, which has been tasked with examining the federal, state, and local responses to Hurricane Katrina.

Now, as has been reported extensively, Brown's preparation for the job included the, umm, "interesting" position of Commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association.

You read right: horse judge.

Looking at the transcript of the testimony, I was surprised at the amount of effort squandered by the House in impugning Brown when there was such an obvious trump card out there.

I imagined it would look something more like this,

Michael Brown: "I don't have any doubt that everybody did everything they possibly could to protect the people of New Orleans."

House Select Committee: "Sorry, horse judge, could you repeat that?"

Brown: "There was an 80 percent evacuation in New Orleans. That's a quite remarkable accomplishment."

House: "Whatever, horse judge."

Brown: "I guess you want me to be the superhero that is going to step in there and suddenly take everybody out of New Orleans."

House: "Horsejudgesayswhat?"

Brown: "What would you like for me to..."

House: "Horse judge, horse judge, horse judge!"

Brown: [pause]

Brown: Fuck you.

Shit, I would probably actually watch C-SPAN if I could see that.

Real Evidence of a Recovery

[click to enlarge]

My love for the city of New Orleans is certainly not undocumented. So, needless to say, I was very happy to read on Chowhound, from proprietor Frank Brigtsen himself, that world-renowned and personal favorite, Brigtsen's, will be re-opening in the Crescent City. And yes, rumor of a Brigtsen's endeavor in Shreveport turned out to be a canard.

And if that wasn't good enough news, JetBlue is resuming flights to New Orleans as of October 1st.

Wow, I just smiled for the first time all day.

Still Here

Sorry, no posts in the past week. More coming soon. Promise. Sorta.

You're Still (Not) The One

Regarding the looting of a Wal-Mart store in New Orleans,



[Breitbart]

The Real Bush Note

When we at Muk Report headquarters learned of the alleged note to Condi Rice in which the President professes his dire need to make pee pee, we were a little incredulous. It's not that we doubted that Bush, known for his whimsical side, would pull something like this at a U.N. Security Council meeting. It's just that, well, Dubya is just not known for any sort of extemporaneous speech or writing that is so clear and unequivocal.

It was obvious: something was up.

So we put out the APB and, sure enough, our loyal White House moles turned up the goods. With that, I present to you,

The Real Bush Note to Condi Rice (click to enlarge)

A Woman Is Like a Vase With Titties

I don't need to tell you that Eugene Mirman is a funny, funny dood. In addition to appearing on Conan and Comedy Central's Premium Blend, he has opened up for hepcat hipster acts like the The Shins and Modest Mouse.

This week's Village Voice contains Eugene's Sex Advice Video.

Laugh and learn.

[Eugene Mirman]

Dave Matthews Takes the High Road

Well, someone in the DMB camp must be clued in to The Muk Report (humor me) because it seems like they took my advice.

[Setlist from nancies.org]

What Would You Say?

It is, of course, wonderful to hear that the musical community is rallying to the cause of helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina. When I initially heard that Dave Matthews was performing a benefit show, my thoughts were sanguine, as he still manages to perform to enthusiastic, capacity crowds. Surely, this would be nothing but a boon to the cause, right?

But then Muk Report duties kicked in, and I realized that some hack investigative journalism was in order. Looking into Matthews' song catalog, what I discovered was nothing short of, well, shocking (kind of).

And with that needlessly long introduction I present to you,

Top Ten Dave Matthews Songs That Should Not Be Performed at the Hurricane Katrina Benefit Performance

10. Gravedigger
9. Where Are You Going
8. You Might Die Trying
7. Help Myself
6. Save Me
5. Last Stop
4. Say Goodbye
3. Lie In Our Graves
2. Crash Into Me
1. Don't Drink The Water

Oh, and if Zeppelin reunites for a benefit, Captain Obvious says that "When The Levee Breaks" is out.

[KLFY]
[DMB]

Do You, Insufferable Dork, Take Frigid Pedant As Your Lawfully Wedded Wife?

The New York Times Weddings & Celebrations section is one of my favorite reads of the week. Where else can you witness a nonstop cavalcade of vainglorious approval-seekers jacking off in plain sight of millions of readers. I once tried to write a parody of it, but realized quickly that it is its own lampoon.

There is a terrific site, Veiled Conceit, that does a cutting analysis of each week's most conspicuously haughty couples.

Now, I have a pretty strong stomach, but the wedding of Adriane Giebel and John Walter was even too much for me.

Thankfully, Veiled Conceit was all over it.

From the Department of Improbably Silly Irony

Robert was later shot by his dog.

[CNN]

Just the Kind of Fresh Thinking This Situation Needs

[WWL-TV Blog]

Hurricane Relief Donations

I originally planned to donate all of my gig money to help the hurricane victims, but did the math and realized that the people of New Orleans would actually owe me about 40 dollars.

Plan B: Craiglist has a Katrina Relief page with a number of organizations that are accepting donations.

(If none of those work for you, I know this guy from Lagos, Nigeria who can wire the money directly to the those affected. He will need your bank account and routing number with no further delay, and is looking forward to your favorable response.)

An Open Letter to Anheuser-Busch CEO, Patrick Stokes

Dear Mr. Stokes,

While I commend your efforts to assist the victims of Hurricane Katrina, might I suggest that you augment your existing contribution with one of your other fine products? I mean, if there's a group of people more deserving of a few hundred cases of Natty Ice, I certainly don't know it.

Best Regards,
Muk

P.S. This may also be a good time to take your Hurricane and Hurricane Ice Malt Liquor products off the shelves. Oh, you're welcome.

[Anheuser-Busch]