FIN

Where's the closure? Sheesh.

OK, CLOSURE BYE!

Kids Suck / Are a Gift from GAWD!

Aside from pathological who-gives-a-shit-itis, the main reason I haven't posted recently is because of all the other bad excuses. What? What I'm saying is that I'm drunk.

Also, I'm a dad again - AGAIN!! Yeah, thanks in advance and all that.

Yes, it's true. So fucking true that I just got projectile shitted on without HAVING PAID FOR IT.

So anyway, like any scared, drunk human that's me I sought counsel from Minnesota Paul. Because when it comes to kids, Minnesota Paul is my go to guy.

MinnesotaPaul: I remember the early days where you could look at them and say "Hey!! I'm gonna go clean the ducts in the basement! Wanna help!??" And they'd light up -- now, when I tell them we're going to the fucking store, you'd think I'd burned them with a cigarette.

MukReport: Uh, "congrats dude" would have done it.

Mormons Vs. (Mexicans/Germans) = [NO WINNERS]

[Christmas with Mormon Tabernacle Choir Featuring Renee Fleming and Claire Bloom in background]

Muk: These people sound like fucking retards.
Life Partner: Here's the remote. But the only other thing on is...
Muk: ...actual fucking retards?
Life Partner: Yeah. Mind of Mencia.

AWOL

No posting until I can figure out a time to actually do this shit.

Sorry.

When Life Gives You Bowling Make Bowlingade (Part I)

Most of us that joined the bowling team at Ridley Junior High in 1985 did so for one reason: FREE. In our lower middle class world, gratis weekly bowling offered some respite from the daily waves of suburban ennui. The two or so hours after school that we spent at The Lanes were two hours not spent watching Scooby Doo re-runs or smoking hash out on the train tracks. This, of course, left 4 other days for watching Scooby Doo re-runs and smoking hash out on the train tracks, but that's another matter.

While the majority of us showed up just to kill time, a tiny, elite group of students really came to play. The head among this clan was Kevin C. - a humble, unassuming young man who could and would routinely throw 200+ games. Watching Kevin was to experience a clinic in skill and poise, hitting strike/spare/spare/strike/strike repeatedly with stunning self-possession.

Guys like me had little chance against the Kevins of the school. My average was in the 120s, with a fluke, one-time personal best somewhere in the low 150s. But somehow my paltry overall performance, though low by even most middle school standards, qualified me as an alternate to the '85 year end championship. Short of a miracle, however, I was destined to be sent packing come the post season.

And sure enough, behold: destiny called. Kevin fell suddenly ill and yours truly was tapped for the big game. Knowing full well that I was grossly outmatched, I came into the competition just glad to have the opportunity to play. Shockingly, two games into the three game match, I was told that I was leading the pack - but not by much. Finally after a decent (for me) yet largely unremarkable third game, they came around with the final scores and tally.

I won.

My guess is that with Kevin gone, and a chance at the trophy suddenly attainable, all the ringers choked. I, of course, had nothing to lose. Average but consistent won the day.

Yeah I know, smartyfart, a real Cinderella story par excellence. You saw it coming all the way (fuck you).

But it gets better. How much better you ask?

Stay tuned.

Asia Dispatch Week 2006: Four Floors of Whores

Filed Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:35 PM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

It’s hot and muggy as usual in Singapore, probably about 86 degrees with 90 percent humidity.

But what’s really bothering me is the thick smoke.

“It’s from Indonesia,” my contact says as we drive down the highway. “Today not so bad, around 100 index. When it reach 150, that’s when you stay inside.”

Apparently the smoke condition is caused both by pollution and the deliberate burning of forests by farmers in nearby Jakarta, Indonesia. The result is a huge cloud of smoke that drifts across various neighboring countries depending on wind direction. The sky is grey, and visibility poor. And it’s GETTING IN MY FUCKING CONTACTS!

“So what do you like to do?” he asks. “You like shopping? Eating? You look for cheap computer equipment?”

“Not really,” I reply. “There’s plenty of shopping and food in New York. How about, you know, historic areas and... that sort of thing?”

“Tomorrow I take you to the red light district for frog legs. You been there?”

“Oh yeah, hookers hanging out near the main road.”

He shook his head. “No, those are not legal ones, those are freelancers. Legal ones are off main road and indoors. Only freelancers stand outside.”

“They don’t get arrested?”

“Sometimes they do, but they very careful who they talk to.”

I see the same thing later that night as I stop by the Orchard Tower Mall, otherwise known as the “four floors of whores.” Picture your typical indoor shopping mall, except this one has four floors of bars and clubs. And hanging out next to the escalators and by the railings and in these establishments are, well, a whole lot of whores. They don’t say hello. Shit, they barely even look at you. But there’s no mistaking who they are.

Especially the “ladyboys.”

So much for Singapore being a repressed city.

Asia Dispatch Week 2006

Remember that whole Asia Dispatch Week thingy we did last year? Remember the thrill you felt every morning going into your horribly shitty job knowing that you could dial in to the Muk Report to see if Kirin Sapporo would finally pull the trigger and bang one of Singapore's finest "ladyboys?"

Well, now is your chance to re-live the salad tossing days of October 2005. We have sent Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, off to another retarded adventure in the Far East. Tune in as Sapporo navigates the Hooker Malls of Singapore and hacks his way through 18 holes of golf in Phuket (tsunami free since 2004!).

Dispatches on the way...

[Earlier - Muk Report: Asia Dispatch Week Recap]

Awesome Joke Thursdays Are Back!

ST. MARYS, Ga. -- A sex offender wanted by the Virginia State Police was arrested after he was found in a wooded area behind Mary Lee Clark Elementary School, where he was apparently living in a hole, according to a WJXT-TV report.

Q: Did you hear about the 50-year-old man convicted of attempted rape and forcible sodomy with minors who decided to bivouac in the woods mere yards from an elementary school in a 8 X 4 X 6 hole in the ground?

A: Talk about a pitophile!

(I STILL GOT IT SON!)

Local 6: Sex Offender Found Living In Hole Behind Elementary School

Stand Clear of the Angry Wasp

[13:44] mukreport: you know what sucks. i'll tell you what sucks.
[13:44] mukreport: you're on the subway
[13:44] mukreport: you're late for work
[13:44] mukreport: it's hot
[13:45] mukreport: you get into a car with no ac
[13:45] mukreport: it's crowded
[13:45] mukreport: and on top of all that ...
[13:45] mukreport: THERE'S A FUCKING YELLOWJACKET FLYING AROUND!
[13:45] mukreport: i could write a post about that.. but it looks like I JUST DID!
[13:45] RobTheBouncer: MUK REPORT!!!!

Atlantic Antic: Wholesome Family Fun

It was right next to the Wang Vindaloo.

(My sixth grade readership just tripled!)

[Atlantic Ave. LDC: Boring, Tasteful Snaps of the 2006 Antic]