Not Quite Live Blogging the Miss Teen USA Competition

Look, I know that no one is confounding Miss Teen USA and the Siemens Competition, but last night, after hearing that one contestant's hobbies included "laughing," I couldn't hold back.

The Miss Teen USA website has a great section called Perception vs. Reality. Based on snippets from this page, I would imagine an interview with the head of the Miss Universe Organization to go something like this,

Miss Teen Director: These competitions provide the access, means and guidance to help contestants maximize their strengths and achieve their professional and personal goals.

Muk [spit take]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Miss Teen Director: As a matter of fact, there are no height, weight or measurement restrictions for any of our competitions.

Muk: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You get the picture. There would be a lot of high-minded Miss Teen propaganda towing the party line followed by me laughing uproariously. Over and over again. They were probably judicious in declining my request for an interview.

The Miss Teen USA judgment criteria are as follows (unweighted): personal, style (evening gown), and fitness (swimsuit). Yes, girls, a full 66% of your worth as an American female is based on how you look in lingerie and a bikini. Don't let your Women's Studies majoring older cousin tell you otherwise. She's a dyke anyway.

And what the fuck does a swimsuit tell you about fitness anyway? You wanna figure out who's in shape? Have them do a 5K run, a two mile swim, and a 30 mile bike ride. Whichever one isn't bleeding out of her eyes at the end wins.

I have nothing (mostly) against these types of competitions, but call it what it is: A BEAUTY CONTEST. I also have an easy way to determine the winner without having to stock the panel of judges with assfucks like Melissa Rivers. Outfit those Nielsen devices with a masturbation detector, put each contestant on camera for 10 seconds, and then tally the Jack-O-Meter® numbers. That's a total of 8 minutes and 20 seconds of programming, leaving nearly 52 minutes free to sell tampon ads.

For those of you that are still not convinced that brains and beauty contests need to be separated, imagine these dorks sashaying around in evening gowns.

Case closed.

[Miss Teen USA]