Filling the Supreme Court Void

Harriet Miers officially withdrew her nomination to the Supreme Court. And so we begin the search for a new candidate.

I'll just say it - what about Alice Cooper?

Now, this isn't a cheap continuation of the running sight gag that Miers and Cooper were separated at birth. There's (slightly) more to it.

First of all, he's technically a conservative that publicly supported Bush in the last election. Then there's the whole born again Christian and recovered alcoholic thingy, which certainly makes him kindred to the President. Finally, you throw in the weird golf proclivity and you pretty much have a perfect Republican Party poster boy.

Shoo-in you say? Not so fast.

Cooper built his stage persona by pretty much violating all Ten Commandments - usually in the course of a single performance. I don't know what says "fuck you" to the Republican Party more than, I dunno, throwing a live chicken off stage to be torn apart by a horde of rabid fans.

Let's summarize,

Republican points: born again Christian, recovering boozer, supported Dubya, golfer.

Democrat points: younger days marred by "less than wholesome" activities.

At this point, I'd say we're dead even. So, how do we break the tie?

Like any other candidate, we need to examine Cooper's credentials. Now, he didn't have the benefit of a legal career, so we can't scrutinize things like pleadings and written opinions. He does, however, have a body of work.

What follows is a list of every song he wrote whose title could be construed as either left-leaning, right-leaning, or, in some cases, both. We'll put these into their respective categories to see if he's a trustworthy carpetbagger or just a godless liberal masquerading as a straight shooter.

Let's get started,

1. Living
I dunno, this sounds pretty pro-life to me.
REPUBLICAN

2. Apple Bush
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

3. Ain't That Just Like a Woman
Gender stereotyping. No contest.
REPUBLICAN

4. Painting a Picture
Only hippies and fags paint pictures.
DEMOCRAT

5. Freak Out Song
Sounds drug-related.
DEMOCRAT

6. Goin' to the River
To get baptized?
REPUBLICAN

7. Refrigerator Heaven
Oblique Christianity reference.
REPUBLICAN

8. Lay Down and Die, Goodbye
Right to die?
DEMOCRAT

9. Second Coming
Of our Lord. Too obvious.
REPUBLICAN

10. Be My Lover
Pre-marital sex?
DEMOCRAT

11. Halo of Flies
The halo says "praise Jesus," but the flies say "I passed out drunk and woke up in the alley behind Denny's."
DRAW

12. Dead Babies
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

13. Killer
Is this pro-life or anti-death penalty?
DRAW

14. Raped and Freezing
He was asking for it.
REPUBLICAN

15. Billion Dollar Babies
Every life is sacred... and worth exactly one billion dollars.
REPUBLICAN

16. No More Mister Nice Guy
Tough love.
REPUBLICAN

[Damn, this is not looking good for the Democrats.]

17. I Love the Dead
Pro-abortion and pro-death penalty?
DRAW

18. Devil's Food
Believes in angry red guy with horns and pitchfork.
REPUBLICAN

19. Only Women Bleed
Radical feminism.
DEMOCRAT

20. The Awakening
Born again.
REPUBLICAN

21. Go to Hell
[see #18]
REPUBLICAN

22. Give The Kid a Break
300 strikes and you're still not out.
DEMOCRAT

23. My God
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

24. I Love America
Could be jingoism, could be satire. Flip a coin...
DEMOCRAT

25. Pass the Gun Around
Duet with Charlton Heston.
REPUBLICAN

26. The World Needs Guts
Sounds pretty Wolfowitz to me.
REPUBLICAN

27. Great American Success Story
With a little hard work anyone can succeed [barf].
REPUBLICAN

28. Freedom
To bear arms or marry your same-sex partner?
DRAW

29. Not That Kind of Love
Uphold sodomy laws.
REPUBLICAN

30. Time to Kill
By lethal injection.
REPUBLICAN

31. Hell Is Living Without You
[See #18]
REPUBLICAN

32. I'm Your Gun
All hail the 2nd Amendment.
REPUBLICAN

33. Love's a Loaded Gun
[See #32]
REPUBLICAN

[This is starting to look like a rout.]

34. Might As Well Be on Mars
A man after Bush's own heart.
REPUBLICAN

35. Hurricane Years
Ooooh, do I smell a little Katrina backlash?
DEMOCRAT

36. Die for You
Right to die, baby.
DEMOCRAT

37. Nothing's Free
So we're raising taxes.
DEMOCRAT

38. Lost in America
Immigrants' rights?
DEMOCRAT

[Democrats are rallying!]

39. You're My Temptation
Bible, bible, bible.
REPUBLICAN

40. Stolen Prayer
Sure, it's a prayer, but it was fucking stolen.
DRAW

41. Unholy War
And there's still no exit strategy.
DEMOCRAT

42. Take It Like a Woman
[See #3]
REPUBLICAN

43. Every Woman Has a Name
Right out of a Smith College brochure.
DEMOCRAT

44. I Just Wanna Be God
Sacrilege!
DEMOCRAT

Tally
REPUBLICAN: 25
DEMOCRAT: 14
DRAW: 5

Well, there you have it. Despite his sordid past, Alice Cooper proves his conservative loyalty and eligibility for the Supreme Court nomination. He's not Harriet Miers, but I'm starting to think he's a close second.

And if he doesn't work out, there's always Ted Nugent.