The NYPD Safe List

From NY1 News,

"In New York City, officials announced Thursday afternoon that the NYPD is instituting random searches of subway passengers carrying bags or backpacks, and similar searches may be conducted aboard city buses."

That's right, random searches here in NYC. Now, I am not in favor of racial or ethnic profiling (total lie), but I do think that there are certain groups of people that should be excluded up front. With that, I present to you,

The Muk Report's NYPD Profiling Safe List™

Gender: Male
Age: 22-30
Subway: 33rd St. #6
Bag: Tumi leather flap computer briefcase
Contents: Laptop, Blackberry, cell number (fake) of that bangin' Wisconsin chick from last night, copy of University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine.
Note: Too hung over from 2-for-1 happy hour special at McSwiggan's to do anything other than masturbate and check fantasy baseball scores.

Gender: Female
Age: 22-40
Subway: 7th Ave. B/Q (Brooklyn)
Bag: Tote, WNYC or The Strand
Contents: iPod, New Yorker (opened to Fiction section), dog-eared copy of Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer.
Note: Possibly sensitive and militant, but in a decidedly non-terroristic, vaginal way. Suspicious footwear is Dansko clog, not shoe-bomb.

Gender: Male or Female
Age: 18-35
Subway: Lorimer St. L
Bag: Vintage or messenger
Contents: iPod (no ear buds, too gauche), guitar picks, American Spirits, Olivia Tremor Control tickets.
Note: Listening to The Smiths' Louder Than Bombs not grounds for suspicion.

Gender: Female
Age: 60+
Subway: Canal St. N/R/Q
Bag: Thin plastic, numerous
Contents: Hong Kong style no. 2 fine chow mein noodle, ginger root, oyster sauce, whole live chicken.
Note: Frenetic determination to secure seat should not be confounded for attempt to take innocent lives. Contents of bag, despite olfactory evidence to the contrary, do not contain explosive materials.

You can thank me later, Commissioner Kelly.

[Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, contributed to this report.]