They Made A Funny

"I can’t be a Democrat, because I like to spend the money I make. But I can't be a Republican, because I like to spend the money I make on drugs and whores."

-Jim David

"I took my daughter to the circus, and she asked me, 'Daddy, how do they teach the bear how to ride a bike?' I said it's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike."

-Robert Schimmel