Question: What happens when you send three minority group cosmopolites to a redneck pumpkin throwing competition?
Answer: Good fucking times.
This past Saturday, Muk Report Philadelphia correspondents, Anand Rao, Amy Ignatow, and Monique Powell attended the 20th annual Punkin Chunkin, a pumpkin tossing festival held in Millsboro, Delaware.
Now, post-Halloween pumpkin disposal festivities are not entirely uncommon, as evidenced by the Pumpkin Smash, an event that takes place in my own beloved neighborhood.
The Punkin Chunkin is, however, sui generis.
First off, it's pretty safe to say that the bulk of the attendees here voted for Bush. It's also pretty safe to say that they voted for Bush right after blowing the face off a deer with a Winchester .30-30. We're talkin' full tilt, right-from-the-handbook clodhoppers: confederate flags, overalls, unironic facial hair, and the very latest in camouflage casual straight from Cabela's. Providing entertainment was none other than musician/author/conservative-wackjob, Charlie Daniels.
In other words, leave your Hooray for Fags and Abortion! t-shirt at home.
Oh, and they're as serious about the actual pumpkin hurling as they are about the whole "boycott France" thing. To wit (excerpted from the official rules),
3. All Machines must be able to fire within three (3) minutes. Human power will get an additional two (2) minutes to cock the machine. (Keep in mind that every attempt is made to give you (20) minutes by informing you 4 machines or more down the firing line.) Any machine not able to fire when the pit boss decides...
And it goes on like that for, like, ever.
So, what exactly did our correspondents learn? Let see,
Despite the two hour drive and one hour wait to enter the “parking lot” (a crude extension of the punkin playground), we arrived in good spirits. After all, there were punkins to be hurled/ejected. Lest you think that punkins have only one way of becoming airborne, think again. The categories include air cannons, catapults, trebuchets and more. Last year’s champion air cannon, Old Glory, scored an inconceivable 4,220 feet! However, my favorite air cannon name is Second Amendment. There are official rules for distance measurements and general safety. Hey, this is THE world championship Punkin Chunkin, not just some division AA pumpkin toss.
And could you imagine a better way to wrap up two days of punkin lovin’ fun than with everyone’s favorite groove armada, The Charlie Daniels Band? [Ed. note: Yes.]
Frankly, as a brown guy from the city, my "general rule of safety" would have been to stay the holy fuck away from Millsboro, Delaware. But hey, it's 2005 and we should at least be happy that it wasn't the 20th annual Slave Chunkin/Lynch-O-Palooza or some shit.
My gratitude to our fearless Philadelphia correspondents for braving the hinterlands and filing this report.
Next time, the pie's on me.