The Muk Report

FIN

2008-09-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

Where's the closure? Sheesh.

OK, CLOSURE BYE!

Kids Suck / Are a Gift from GAWD!

2007-01-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Aside from pathological who-gives-a-shit-itis, the main reason I haven't posted recently is because of all the other bad excuses. What? What I'm saying is that I'm drunk.

Also, I'm a dad again - AGAIN!! Yeah, thanks in advance and all that.

Yes, it's true. So fucking true that I just got projectile shitted on without HAVING PAID FOR IT.

So anyway, like any scared, drunk human that's me I sought counsel from Minnesota Paul. Because when it comes to kids, Minnesota Paul is my go to guy.

MinnesotaPaul: I remember the early days where you could look at them and say "Hey!! I'm gonna go clean the ducts in the basement! Wanna help!??" And they'd light up -- now, when I tell them we're going to the fucking store, you'd think I'd burned them with a cigarette.

MukReport: Uh, "congrats dude" would have done it.

Mormons Vs. (Mexicans/Germans) = [NO WINNERS]

2006-12-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

[Christmas with Mormon Tabernacle Choir Featuring Renee Fleming and Claire Bloom in background]

Muk: These people sound like fucking retards.
Life Partner: Here's the remote. But the only other thing on is...
Muk: ...actual fucking retards?
Life Partner: Yeah. Mind of Mencia.

AWOL

2006-10-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

No posting until I can figure out a time to actually do this shit.

Sorry.

When Life Gives You Bowling Make Bowlingade (Part I)

2006-10-17T18:29:00.003-07:00

Most of us that joined the bowling team at Ridley Junior High in 1985 did so for one reason: FREE. In our lower middle class world, gratis weekly bowling offered some respite from the daily waves of suburban ennui. The two or so hours after school that we spent at The Lanes were two hours not spent watching Scooby Doo re-runs or smoking hash out on the train tracks. This, of course, left 4 other days for watching Scooby Doo re-runs and smoking hash out on the train tracks, but that's another matter.

While the majority of us showed up just to kill time, a tiny, elite group of students really came to play. The head among this clan was Kevin C. - a humble, unassuming young man who could and would routinely throw 200+ games. Watching Kevin was to experience a clinic in skill and poise, hitting strike/spare/spare/strike/strike repeatedly with stunning self-possession.

Guys like me had little chance against the Kevins of the school. My average was in the 120s, with a fluke, one-time personal best somewhere in the low 150s. But somehow my paltry overall performance, though low by even most middle school standards, qualified me as an alternate to the '85 year end championship. Short of a miracle, however, I was destined to be sent packing come the post season.

And sure enough, behold: destiny called. Kevin fell suddenly ill and yours truly was tapped for the big game. Knowing full well that I was grossly outmatched, I came into the competition just glad to have the opportunity to play. Shockingly, two games into the three game match, I was told that I was leading the pack - but not by much. Finally after a decent (for me) yet largely unremarkable third game, they came around with the final scores and tally.

I won.

My guess is that with Kevin gone, and a chance at the trophy suddenly attainable, all the ringers choked. I, of course, had nothing to lose. Average but consistent won the day.

Yeah I know, smartyfart, a real Cinderella story par excellence. You saw it coming all the way (fuck you).

But it gets better. How much better you ask?

Stay tuned.

Asia Dispatch Week 2006: Four Floors of Whores

2006-10-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

Filed Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:35 PM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

It’s hot and muggy as usual in Singapore, probably about 86 degrees with 90 percent humidity.

But what’s really bothering me is the thick smoke.

“It’s from Indonesia,” my contact says as we drive down the highway. “Today not so bad, around 100 index. When it reach 150, that’s when you stay inside.”

Apparently the smoke condition is caused both by pollution and the deliberate burning of forests by farmers in nearby Jakarta, Indonesia. The result is a huge cloud of smoke that drifts across various neighboring countries depending on wind direction. The sky is grey, and visibility poor. And it’s GETTING IN MY FUCKING CONTACTS!

“So what do you like to do?” he asks. “You like shopping? Eating? You look for cheap computer equipment?”

“Not really,” I reply. “There’s plenty of shopping and food in New York. How about, you know, historic areas and... that sort of thing?”

“Tomorrow I take you to the red light district for frog legs. You been there?”

“Oh yeah, hookers hanging out near the main road.”

He shook his head. “No, those are not legal ones, those are freelancers. Legal ones are off main road and indoors. Only freelancers stand outside.”

“They don’t get arrested?”

“Sometimes they do, but they very careful who they talk to.”

I see the same thing later that night as I stop by the Orchard Tower Mall, otherwise known as the “four floors of whores.” Picture your typical indoor shopping mall, except this one has four floors of bars and clubs. And hanging out next to the escalators and by the railings and in these establishments are, well, a whole lot of whores. They don’t say hello. Shit, they barely even look at you. But there’s no mistaking who they are.

Especially the “ladyboys.”

So much for Singapore being a repressed city.

Asia Dispatch Week 2006

2006-10-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Remember that whole Asia Dispatch Week thingy we did last year? Remember the thrill you felt every morning going into your horribly shitty job knowing that you could dial in to the Muk Report to see if Kirin Sapporo would finally pull the trigger and bang one of Singapore's finest "ladyboys?"

Well, now is your chance to re-live the salad ~~tossing~~ days of October 2005. We have sent Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, off to another retarded adventure in the Far East. Tune in as Sapporo navigates the Hooker Malls of Singapore and hacks his way through 18 holes of golf in Phuket (tsunami free since 2004!).

Dispatches on the way...

[Earlier - Muk Report: Asia Dispatch Week Recap]

Awesome Joke Thursdays Are Back!

2006-10-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

ST. MARYS, Ga. -- A sex offender wanted by the Virginia State Police was arrested after he was found in a wooded area behind Mary Lee Clark Elementary School, where he was apparently living in a hole, according to a WJXT-TV report.

Q: Did you hear about the 50-year-old man convicted of attempted rape and forcible sodomy with minors who decided to bivouac in the woods mere yards from an elementary school in a 8 X 4 X 6 hole in the ground?

A: Talk about a pitophile!

(I STILL GOT IT SON!)

Local 6: Sex Offender Found Living In Hole Behind Elementary School

Stand Clear of the Angry Wasp

2006-09-27T08:11:00.001-07:00

[13:44] mukreport: you know what sucks. i'll tell you what sucks.
[13:44] mukreport: you're on the subway
[13:44] mukreport: you're late for work
[13:44] mukreport: it's hot
[13:45] mukreport: you get into a car with no ac
[13:45] mukreport: it's crowded
[13:45] mukreport: and on top of all that ...
[13:45] mukreport: THERE'S A FUCKING YELLOWJACKET FLYING AROUND!
[13:45] mukreport: i could write a post about that.. but it looks like I JUST DID!
[13:45] RobTheBouncer: MUK REPORT!!!!

Atlantic Antic: Wholesome Family Fun

2006-09-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

It was right next to the Wang Vindaloo.

(My sixth grade readership just tripled!)

[Atlantic Ave. LDC: Boring, Tasteful Snaps of the 2006 Antic]

Houston and Brown and Poop by Request!

2006-09-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

[18:40] ColbyInColorado: dude, do you take blog "requests" ?
[18:41] ColbyInColorado: if so, I'd like to see some material on the Bobby Brown/ Whitney Houston breakup
[18:44] ColbyInColorado: low hanging fruit I know, but I trust you'll give it the unique twist that Leno and Letterman will miss...
[18:46] ColbyInColorado: Just to call out one highlight...
[18:46] ColbyInColorado: "Perhaps most memorably, Houston, best known for her tender ballads "I Will Always Love You" and "The Greatest Love of All," once recalled on the program how Brown once manually assisted her in a bowel movement."
[18:47] ColbyInColorado: Now that is truly the "Greatest Love of All"
[18:47] ColbyInColorado: I look forward to your post...

Well, Colby, you pretty much said it. I could just copy/paste your request and be done with it, but I'll punch things up a little.

TOP FIVE TOILET EMERGENCY THEMED WHITNEY HOUSTON SONGS

5. Hold On Help Is On The Way
4. Nobody Loves Me Like You Do(o)
3. Love Is A Contact Sport (ewww!)
2. In My Business
1. Why Does It Hurt So Bad

TOILET HUMOR FRIDAY BITCHES!!

[Yahoo! News: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown Are Weird and Gross]

9/11: More Than Words

2006-09-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, I was there on September 11, 2001. I stood transfixed at the corner of Maiden Lane and William St. at 9:02 AM, watching the conflagration in the North Tower when the world shook yet again as a 2nd Boeing 767 struck the South Tower with a seismic violence heretofore unfelt. Yes, I fled for my life, east down Maiden Lane, at 9:59 AM as a miasmic dust cloud, once the flesh and bones of a 110 story building, overtook Lower Manhattan. And yes, I lived and continue to live with the trepidation and uncertainty that all New Yorkers, nay, Americans face in this volatile post 9/11 world.

Yet in the weeks and months after, this wordsmith struggled to express to both himself and others the myriad emotions that roiled inside. We, as a society, frequently take pains to communicate poignantly the sorrow, confusion, and despair that we feel in times of crisis and catastrophe. In those times we rely upon the gifts of artists and artisans around us to depict our sentiments with the force and subtlety necessary to act as an emotional salve.

I offer my most sincere gratitude to the visual artists of our great country who, when faced with the decree to represent the damaged collective psyche, didn't miss the mark. Finally now, when that instinctive need to comprehend the complex range of emotions associated with greatest tragedy of this nation arises, we need look no further than the image of an eagle crying blood crudely Photoshopped alongside a pilfered, stock photograph of the Twin Towers exploding and burning to their demise.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

P.S. Git-r-done.

It's Racist Post Friday!

2006-09-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

From NY1,

The manager of the Chinatown bus company whose bus tipped over in Massachusetts on Tuesday, says the accident was due to the driver taking an unfamiliar route.

Did the manager, for a second, stop to think that maybe, just maybe, the bus crashed because...

...THE DRIVER WAS ASIAN?!

Now, two things,

1. Fuck you, I'm allowed to make that joke (joke?).

2. To my sick, racist, white devil readership that laughed. You were set up. Diversity training starts next week. Attendance is mandatory. Lunch (soup dumplings) will be served. These guys will provide afternoon entertainment.

[NY1: Chinatown Bus Manager Says Unfamiliar Route Caused Crash]

Jersey Shore Report #3: George Carlin Doppleganger

2006-09-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

The following conversation took place at a NJ shore-area wine store,

Guy in Line Ahead of Me [to cashier]: Did anyone ever tell you you look like George Carlin?
Cashier: Oh yeah, heard that a bunch of times.
Guy in Line Ahead of Me: Well, it's true, you really do.
Cashier: Wish I had his money.
Cashier: [Chuckles]
Guy in Line Ahead of Me: [Chuckles]
Muk: [Chuckles then quickly re-grips]

Ok, I can understand the money thing, but isn't there something more valuable that one would covet from Mr. Carlin? Like, say, his SUBLIMELY BRILLIANT COMEDIC AND OBSERVATIONAL SENSIBILITIES?!

Although, come to think of it, he probably made a lot of scratch doing Thomas the Tank Engine.

P.S. Fuck you Hurrican Ernesto for ruining my long weekend!

Big, Creepy Love

2006-08-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

Like any of you women could share him. Please...

[CNN: Fugitive Polygamist Arrested Near Las Vegas]

Vacation

2006-08-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

Posting will resume next week at the earliest.

P.S. Thank you unsecured wireless network provider.

Muk Report Officially Stuff of Legends

2006-08-18T08:15:00.001-07:00

From the New York Observer,

In Park Slope, legend has it that there’s a T-shirt printed with the motto “This is how we roll,” above a rendering of a stroller.

I have arrived! Exactly where, I don't know.

[Observer: Brooklyn Civil War]
[Previously - Muk Report: How Many of These Could I Move at 7th and Union?]

Not Quite Live Blogging the Miss Teen USA Competition

2006-08-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

Look, I know that no one is confounding Miss Teen USA and the Siemens Competition, but last night, after hearing that one contestant's hobbies included "laughing," I couldn't hold back.

The Miss Teen USA website has a great section called Perception vs. Reality. Based on snippets from this page, I would imagine an interview with the head of the Miss Universe Organization to go something like this,

Miss Teen Director: These competitions provide the access, means and guidance to help contestants maximize their strengths and achieve their professional and personal goals.

Muk [spit take]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Miss Teen Director: As a matter of fact, there are no height, weight or measurement restrictions for any of our competitions.

Muk: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You get the picture. There would be a lot of high-minded Miss Teen propaganda towing the party line followed by me laughing uproariously. Over and over again. They were probably judicious in declining my request for an interview.

The Miss Teen USA judgment criteria are as follows (unweighted): personal, style (evening gown), and fitness (swimsuit). Yes, girls, a full 66% of your worth as an American female is based on how you look in lingerie and a bikini. Don't let your Women's Studies majoring older cousin tell you otherwise. She's a dyke anyway.

And what the fuck does a swimsuit tell you about fitness anyway? You wanna figure out who's in shape? Have them do a 5K run, a two mile swim, and a 30 mile bike ride. Whichever one isn't bleeding out of her eyes at the end wins.

I have nothing (mostly) against these types of competitions, but call it what it is: A BEAUTY CONTEST. I also have an easy way to determine the winner without having to stock the panel of judges with assfucks like Melissa Rivers. Outfit those Nielsen devices with a masturbation detector, put each contestant on camera for 10 seconds, and then tally the Jack-O-Meter® numbers. That's a total of 8 minutes and 20 seconds of programming, leaving nearly 52 minutes free to sell tampon ads.

For those of you that are still not convinced that brains and beauty contests need to be separated, imagine these dorks sashaying around in evening gowns.

Case closed.

[Miss Teen USA]

What's the Deal With M&Ms??

2006-08-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

The finest CORN SYRUP
The finest GUM ACACIA
The finest RED 40 LAKE
The finest YELLOW 6
The finest BLUE 2 LAKE
The finest RED 40
The finest BLUE 1 LAKE
The finest BLUE 1
The finest BLUE 2
The finest YELLOW 5 LAKE

Get it? M&Ms are full of artificial crap! Have I made that clear enough?!

Does this count as a post??

Busy

2006-08-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have some posts in the works, but nothing to put up yet. Be patient. Stay cool.

Led Zep Filler Post

2006-07-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

I really have jack shit for you guys this week, so I figure I'll just mention a random thought about Led Zeppelin and their rendition of Robert Johnson's Traveling Riverside Blues.

Sign #118 You Are the Greatest Rock Band in History

Your bass player MISSES THE FUCKING CHANGE (1:35), you leave it in the mix, and you still have one of the greatest tracks ever cut to tape. I know what you're thinking: "So what, JPJ hung back on the G which is technically in the subsequent chord and he's a legendary genius so it works based on that alone. Now shut up."

Well, you know what? It doesn't really work. It's actually pretty awkward if you pay attention to it. Save for some trivial overdubs, the arrangement is pretty much power trio. You need the balls on the bass to guide the changes.

And you know what else? YOU shut up!

Of course, that all being said, it's still a masterpiece. Like innumerable other Zeppelin tracks, you can listen to this song at least 4 times: once just for Bonham, once just for Page, once just for Jones, and then once for the whole track.

And just to reiterate: I HAVE JACK SHIT THIS WEEK!

Jersey Shore Report #2: Smart Enterprise on Permanent Vacation

2006-07-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dramatis Personae

Muk: your hero
Betty: octogenarian CVS cashier
Gina: teen CVS cashier
Diane: CVS manager-on-duty

The Scene: Muk attemps to buy bottled water from CVS in Ocean City, NJ.

Muk: Hi, I checked the shelves and it looks like you are out of the 24-packs of Aquafina that are on sale. Can I get a rain check?
Gina: Oh sure, let me...
Betty [from adjacent register]: Well, the Aquafina is only on sale today, just so you know.
Muk: Oh, I'd like a rain check. Can I get a rain check?
Gina: Of course, let me fill out this...
Betty: Gina, that water is only on sale today. He can't get it for sale on another day.
Diane [intervening]: It's ok, Betty, we'll take care of this. Yes sir, we can get you a rain check, no problem.
Muk: Perfect, thanks.
Betty: I was just trying to explain that the sale is only for today.
Diane: BETTY, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!!!

Now, as harsh as Diane may have seemed, you must admit it takes a strong individual to hold back on someone who repeatedly fails to grasp the basic concept behind a rain check - innocent old biddy or not.

Confusion, it turns out, is not reserved for the older generation. The story continues,

Gina: So, how many cases of Aquafina did you want?
Muk: Let me see... how about three.
Gina: [begins filling out rain check]
Muk: Well, what's the limit? How many can I get?
Gina: Ummm, well... like, there's no limit. What do you mean?
Muk: Don't worry about it. Put me down for 50.

Between Gina and Betty it's a wonder that the Ocean City CVS isn't 20,000 leagues deep in the red. Needless to say, I took advantage of the arbitrage opportunity presented to me and unloaded those 50 cases down in Avalon FOR A MINT.

The moral? Fuck if I know.

Ok, how about this: next time your local Duane Reade cashier throws change in your face, snaps her gum, and shouts, "Next asshole in line step up!" don't jump to the conclusion that the proverbial grass is greener on the other side of the Hudson.

And your moment of Zen directly from CVS corporate,

From the prescriptions you fill, to the products you purchase, to the service you receive, you can always expect something extra from CVS/pharmacy.

Something extra indeed. Anyone thirsty?

CVS: Our Mission, Vision, and Values
[Earlier - Muk Report: Jersey Shore Report #1: Racial Pride (But Not the Bad Hitler Kind)]

Muk Concert Series #1: Freddy's Backroom Tonight

2006-07-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

With due apologies to my far-flung readers who have no chance in hell of making this...

Where: Freddy's Backroom
When: Tonight (7/12), 9ish

I'll be playing a few songs at Freddy's Backroom this evening at the recurring Wednesday Nights with Cecil event. The full show runs from 8:30 til 11 and I expect to play sometime between 9 and 10. Cecil will also be joined by the multi-talented Rembert Block.

I know half of you are weighing your options: Everybody Loves Raymond re-runs or Muk. Hey, I'm kinda debating that myself.

[More Competition for Muk]

Bumper Badger Part Trois: Would-Be Inventors Lament

2006-07-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Just got this in the ol' mailbag today,

Believe it or not I had designed the very same product on paper, but didn't think of rubber as the material to use. After getting a new car last year I was frustrated to see my shiny new vehicle's bumper being scratched by inconsiderate motorists, so I decided to think of a product that could help me. While walking through Brooklyn last night I noticed the product on a car and freaked out to see my vision in person. I'm telling you it was exactly the same concept. I named it the Bumper Pillow. I went home, looked at my design, and just shook my head. Wow!

I just wanted to share my story with you.

Adrienne

Thanks for sharing, Adrienne.

However, I must ask: is the urban vehicle bumper protection market really saturated? I say follow through on your initial idea and give those quasi-monopolists over at Chariot Auto a run for their money.

Do it for Brooklyn, sista.

[Earlier: Muk Report: Bumper Badger Part Deux: The Response]
[Earlier: Muk Report: Hunting Badgers in Brooklyn]

Quasi-Vacation Week

2006-07-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

It's a short and busy week for me, so I don't expect any posts to go up. Apologies.

Stay solid.

Muk and Kirin Sapporo Tackle the Big Issues: Shake Shack and Race

2006-06-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

[16:23] kirinsapporo: the crowd is very white. very yuppie. i can't recall ever seeing a black person waiting in line even though a lot of the workers inside are black.
[16:23] mukreport: what self-respecting black person would wait 2 hours for a fucking burger.
[16:24] kirinsapporo: there's an interesting sociological experiment going on there.
[16:24] mukreport: ni**a please.

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Vice

2006-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Filed Monday, 6/26/2006, 10:12 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France
Photo: Kirin Sapporo

I was at a large agency’s party at an exclusive yacht club. The setup looked like an episode of that MTV show "My Super Sweet 16." [Ed. note: uh yeah, I had to look that up.] They had it all: velvet ropes, smartly dressed bouncers, imported English DJs, and smoke machines.

Fashionwise, I felt ashamed to be a man. [Ed. note: I know you're waiting for a joke here, but Sapporo is my only correspondent and I'm already pushing my luck.] Ad guys were dressed sloppily in jeans, sandals, and t-shirts while the women were dressed to the nines: designer dresses, Jimmy Choos, Prada bags, and salon hair.

White is in. And backless is, uhh, back.

There were a few people I recognized and a fair number of "agency" girls there - and not the advertising kind. I saw a pair of stunning blondes sporting open back blouses and tight white pants with seemingly nothing on underneath. I couldn’t picture either of them working as account planners.

Speaking of subtlety, a conversation with "Mike," an industry player I know, went something like this,

Sapporo: Hey, how’s it going? I just saw [mutual friend] Rick down at the bar.
Mike: Oh yeah? Rick's here? That guy is a fucking asshole.
Sapporo: Uh, how so?
Mike: Well, yesterday he sent his assistant out to score some coke. Rick basically promised the kid a promotion if he could hook 'em up.
Sapporo: He couldn’t manage to get it himself?
Mike: Nope.
Sapporo: [Pause]
Mike: Why, you got any?

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Giraffes, Turtles, and Japanese Pop]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Bumper Badger Part Deux: The Response

2006-06-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

Q: What's more satisfying than venting your trivial frustrations on a silly blog?

A: When the object of said frustration responds in your comments section!

Well guys, as the maker of the BUMPER BADGER, let me say I never thought so many people would have so much to say about my product. As for the aesthetics of the thing, maybe you guys should read our website a little more closely. It is not to be used while driving. It is to be used only while your car is parked and you are nowhere in sight. So that when you do drive on the Belt Pkwy you don't look like a bum driving a shiny new car except for the massive scrapes and gouges all over your rear bumper. Better to have the BUMPER BADGER hanging on your bumper when you are not there, than a destroyed bumper when you are. It attaches inside your trunk to the carpet with velcro and you only flip it out when you park. I invented it for you people. So that you don't all have to drive beaters just because you live in the city. Anyway, thank for all the pub muk. And hey, think of us the next time your bodyshop hands you the $350 bill for re-painting the rear bumper of your "ride".

[Earlier: Muk Report: Hunting Badgers in Brooklyn]

Chat with Muk...

2006-06-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

... on AOL.

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Giraffes, Turtles, and Japanese Pop

2006-06-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

Filed Friday, 6/23/2006, 10:00 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France
Photo: Kirin Sapporo

The sun is white-hot and so are the women. I'm not sure what they're feeding them here, but they all have tight bodies, deep tans and nice cans. Something tells me the cosmetic surgery business is booming in these parts as well.

A female acquaintance was in awe at some of the women walking down the streets. "It's like a completely different animal," she said. "It's like they're a giraffe, and I'm a turtle."

I've been to a few seminars, which were, all told, pretty good. Martin Sheen and one of the creators of Sex and the City talked about advertising and pop culture. David LaChappelle and the cast of "Rize" also showed up during a new director's showcase.

By the way, I think the coolest piece of work at the showcase was this music video from pop artist, YUKI, from Japan. The crowd loved it.

This being France, the patisseries and boulangeres are plentiful and delicious. Sure beats the left over steam table scraps I get from the Korean deli every day.

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Sapporo Phones It In

2006-06-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today's "dispatch" from Correspondent Sapporo consisted of 5 largely context-free photographs of Cannes.

That's right - no copy.

Someone's having fun AND IT ISN'T THE EDITORIAL STAFF AT THE MUK REPORT!!

More tomorrow... we hope.

[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope]
[Earlier - Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Exchange Rates and the Velvet Rope

2006-06-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

Filed Tuesday, 6/21/2006, 4:23 PM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Cannes, France

It's 75 degrees, humid, and the scenery looks vaguely like Florida. I'm in Cannes, France, home to Greek shipping tycoons, playboys, and stupid visiting Americans like me. We landed in Nice at 9am after a rocky start at JFK.

(Note to Delta: stick with domestic.)

I just ate a a 7 dollar panini and had a 3 dollar coffee, which is pretty much par for New York. No wait... that's 7 EUROS for a panini and 3 EUROS for a coffee, which is roughly 15 dollars. God, I am the poorest schmuck here.

[Ed. note to self: teach Sapporo about currency exchange rates BEFORE he leaves.]

Parties here are big and extremely exclusive. Getting on a list isn't enough; you have to physically have an invite. I asked one of the agencies to confirm a rumor that they're having a big party and I was told "yes, but we have to arrange for you to pick up the invites at a specified drop-off point at a specific time."

WTF???

I know we're on the French Riviera but what's with the James Bond shit? I cut to the chase and asked the president of the agency who then handed me a necklace that is apparently the "invite."

Hmm, nice touch.

[Earlier - Muk Report: Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)]

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week: Our Correspondent Arrives (?)

2006-06-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

[09:25] mukrao: are you there?
[09:26] kirinsapporo: sure am. sitting in the lobby of the carlton hotel overlooking the mediterranean. or some body of water.
[09:26] mukrao: dude, that's jamaica bay... you're still at jfk you fucking drunk!
[09:27] kirinsapporo: could be, except the coffee and pastries taste considerably better
[09:27] mukrao: fair enough. glad you got there in one piece. now get to work.

Cannes Lions Dispatch Week

2006-06-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

In response to the unilateral praise received for last year's Asia Dispatch Week, we here at the Muk Report have decided to continue the tradition of hack foreign journalism by sending Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, to the 53rd Annual Cannes Lions International Advertising Festival.

Armed only with his press pass and an unyielding boner for French ass, Mr. Sapporo promises an all access view of Cannes Lions as the advertising world descends en masse this week.

Who will win the coveted Agency of the Year award? Who will take the Grand Prix? How long before our correspondent figures out that his per diem barely covers a single cup of coffee?

Dispatches are forthcoming. Stay tuned!

[Previously - Muk Report: Asia Dispatch Week]

Muk and Rob Tackle the Big Issues #1: Golf Infomercials

2006-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

[19:07] mukrao: ever watch the golf channel in the middle of the day?
[19:07] RobTheBouncer: unfortunately yes
[19:07] mukrao: jesus, what a mess
[19:08] RobTheBouncer: hell, Ken Venturi wouldn't lie to me to sell something, would he?
[19:10] mukrao: "I hold this special Haitian Voodoo Amulet in my asscheeks when I play and now I'm a scratch golfer!"
[19:10] mukrao: "I'm also gay now!!"
[19:10] mukrao: "Back to you, Ken."
[19:10] RobTheBouncer: "Jim McLean sold it to me! And you can trust him, because he's an old white guy!"
[19:11] mukrao: "For 5 easy payments of $49.99 WE'LL PRAY FOR YOUR SHITTY GOLF GAME TO GET BETTER."
[19:12] RobTheBouncer: "And you can believe us because we're standing next to a rose garden, and there's soft jazz playing in the background!"
[19:12] mukrao: "And hell, we'll even throw in that fucked up club with the weird balls on it and the head in the wrong place."
[19:13] RobTheBouncer: "And look! We even have a computer generated dispersion diagram to show you how much closer to the pin you're gonna be for trusting us!"
[19:14] mukrao: marketing 101: dispersion diagrams MOVE UNITS
[19:14] RobTheBouncer: "Here's a testimonial from a fat, middle-aged white guy with glasses!"
[19:14] RobTheBouncer: "He sucks, but we caught his one good shot, and now we're gonna show it to you!"
[19:15] RobTheBouncer: "And here's his wife! If you don't believe us, surely you can trust an upper middle class housewife in her 50's!"
[19:15] mukrao: marketing 102: granpda paunch and liver spots MOVE EVEN MORE UNITS
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: you remember the one with that dude Kevin Trudeau?
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: he had some "golf pro" who was going to be blackballed from the profession for releasing the "real secret"
[19:17] RobTheBouncer: and it was some grizzled tan dude with a mustache
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: I was like, "wow, that's a golf pro, all right."
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: he sure is grizzled
[19:18] mukrao: marketing 201: grizzled MOVES THE MOST UNITS!!!!
[19:18] RobTheBouncer: this exchange is going on your blog, isn't it

Gracias

2006-06-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's a busy week, but I'd like to thank those of you that came out to see the impromptu show that Amos Lee and I pulled off last night at Freddy's Backroom.

And hats off to Gawker for the plug.

More posting next week.

How Many Journos Does It Take...

2006-06-08T09:57:00.001-07:00

Four things I learned from this Post article,

1. "Grossed-out" is an appropriate adjective to use in a major regional newspaper.
2. Two authors implicity agreed on #1.
3. Some guy exposed his dong on the subway.
4. It may have been Toby Keith.

[NY Post: Subway Flasher Is Dot-Dumb]

The Challenge of Raising a Straight Child

2006-06-05T14:53:00.000-07:00

I just worked a future value analysis - and if I invested $1000 today at an annual rate of 9%, compounding continuously, after 16 years I would be pointing a loaded .44 Magnum at my head.

It turns out that in the year 2022, only the wealthiest one percent of Americans will be able to afford community college. And based on what I've learned about community college from Chris Rock, this is not good.

Desperate, I entertained fantasies of athletic scholarships. My daughter's physical build definitely skews toward that of my wife, which takes distance running off the table. And Stanford has yet to boast a caber tossing team, so that's out too.

As I began deliberating other options, I had the following exchange with my two-year-old,

Muk: Do you want to take a bath with dada?
Muk's daughter: YAY, PENIS!!

Well, there goes crew and softball too.

Great Moments in Once-Credulous, Now-Famous Bloggers

2006-06-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from a recent conversation with Rob the Bouncer,

[13:34] RobTheBouncer: when i first saw your blog, and didn't know anything about blogs, I thought it was some official journalistic thing just based on the name.
[13:34] RobTheBouncer: like, "Wow! I made The Muk Report!"
[13:35] mukrao: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: it's true
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: I thought I'd finally hit the big time
[13:36] mukrao: you hit the small time my friend.
[13:36] RobTheBouncer: i eventually figured that part out

Jersey Shore Report #1: Racial Pride (But Not the Bad Hitler Kind)

2006-05-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

It was a banner inaugural weekend at the OC. Sure, there was plenty of the usual to please the senses, but one scene in particular trumps all.

Picture this: ambling down the boardwalk is a stunning, curvy, bikini-clad young woman of either Thai or Filipino decent. Simply gorgeous. And flanking her on the left is [fasten your seatbelts here] ...

... an Asian guy.

Yellow Fever may have decimated New York City and the rest of the nation, but South Jersey is still holding out.

Take that Hamptons!!!

Scorecard

Jersey: 1
Hamptons: 0

P.S. And no, it was not her brother (god, I hope I'm right).

The Da Vinci Load

2006-05-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

Anthony Lane, in his review of The Da Vinci Code film in this week's New Yorker, is unremittingly scathing and borderline hostile. It makes for some pretty entertaining reading.

In his conclusion, to wit, Lane remarks,

"The Catholic Church has nothing to fear from this film. It is not just tripe. It is self-evident, spirit-lowering tripe that could not conceivably cause a single member of the flock to turn aside from the faith. Meanwhile, art historians can sleep easy once more, while fans of the book, which has finally been exposed for the pompous fraud that it is, will be shaken from their trance."

Wow, who let the dogs out? Apparently, Anthony Lane did, that's who. On the The Da Vinci Code. You know, in the review.

Look, just fucking read it.

[New Yorker: Heaven Can Wait]

P.S. The puerile post title above is a shout out to middle school graduates across America. Remember, this is the time to remember because Billy Joel said so and he's pretty much a crazy bloated drunk these days so I guess he was right. Oh, and all that blah blah blah they fed you about run-on sentences - TOTAL BULLSHIT! You're welcome.

Personal Glimpses: Wife Strikes Back

2006-05-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

[10:10] muk: i am wearing a dora the explorer bandaid.
[10:10] muk: file that under "instant credibility destroyer."
[10:11] HOC: that's ok cause you didn't have credibility to start with.
[10:11] muk: touché.

Personal Glimpses: 20 Seconds of My Life I'll Never Get Back

2006-05-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

[10:36] HOC: anything interesting happen on sopranos?
[10:36] muk: yeah, they killed vito.
[10:37] HOC: why did you tell me?
[10:37] muk: you just fucking asked!!
[10:37] HOC: ok, don't tell me any more.
[10:37] muk: [bangs head repeatedly on desk]

Personal Glimpses: A Conversation with My Wife Regarding Baby Names

2006-05-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

[14:34] HOC: hey, baby name Mayuri
[14:34] HOC: shortened to May
[14:34] muk: lord no
[14:35] HOC: means "peahen"
[14:35] HOC: why not
[14:35] HOC: ?
[14:35] muk: i would rather have just "peahen"
[14:35] HOC: why? just explain why you don't like it so i have an idea
[14:35] HOC: i LOVE it
[14:36] muk: it's just not good
[14:36] muk: don't like the look/sound of it
[14:36] HOC: the indian name or the nickname?
[14:36] muk: both
[14:37] muk: it's light years beyond horrible.
[14:37] HOC: right and i love both
[14:37] HOC: i can't figure out what you dislike
[14:38] HOC: nickname too old fashioned?
[14:38] muk: yeah
[14:38] HOC: Mala?
[14:39] muk: the latin root "bad" is too obvious
[14:39] HOC: o please
[14:39] muk: beyond obvious. .mala is the female adjective form of "bad" in both spanish and italian.
[14:41] HOC: ok, you only shoot down names, give me a suggestion
[14:42] muk: later
[14:42] HOC: names i like: mali, mayuri, amala, asha, tess, fiona
[14:43] muk: tess, fiona.. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[14:43] muk: that's a good one.
[14:43] HOC: you can laugh all you want but you are not even creative enough to have your own suggestions
[14:43] HOC: you are like [redacted], shooting down everything but not coming up with your own ideas
[14:44] muk: tess... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!1
[14:44] muk: best name ever.
[14:44] HOC: well she will be tess unless you come up with an idea
[14:45] muk: i'm almost willing to go with tess b/c it's more or less a joke name.
[14:45] HOC: deal
[14:48] muk: I can't wait to explain to people, "hillary and i debated long and hard, but just couldn't decide between an early victorian or late victorian name for our daughter."
[14:48] HOC: you are an idiot
[14:48] HOC: tess isn't victorian
[14:48] muk: anything from a thomas hardy book is pretty much victorian
[14:49] HOC: as if you know ANYTHING about Victiorian literature
[14:49] muk:

"What's her name?"
"Tess."
"Oh, like, from that book."
"Umm, yeah. Look dude it wasn't my idea."

[14:50] HOC: no one has ever read that book
[14:50] HOC: it is obscure
[14:50] HOC: it is not even one of hardy's best loved
[14:50] HOC: i bet out of ten of us here in the english department 2 of us have read it
[14:51] HOC: you don't know what you are talking about
[14:51] HOC: i have met three little girls in our neighborhood named tess
[14:51] muk: doesn't matter who read it
[14:51] muk: it's like naming your kid othello.
[14:51] muk: no one read that either.
[14:51] muk: but everyone knows it.
[14:51] HOC: are you KIDDING ME??
[14:51] HOC: you cannot compare othello to tess
[14:52] HOC: first of all, everyone read or knows the story of othello
[14:52] muk: or mercutio.
[14:52] HOC: second of all no one names their kid othello and third it has no context outside of the play
[14:53] HOC: tess on the other hand is not well known, a common nickname for theresa and popular outside of the novel
[14:53] HOC: and NO ONE knows the story
[14:53] muk: it's popular among literary/yuppie types that try way too hard.
[14:53] HOC: if you knew the story you would have a much different opinion
[14:53] HOC: read it, then you will have a leg to stand on
[14:53] muk: i would rather name my daughter "thomas hardy"
[14:53] HOC: you are ignorant on this
[14:54] muk: you mean "ignint"
[14:54] HOC: yeah you are ignint too
[14:54] HOC: and just plain stupid
[14:55] muk: btw, thomas hardy wrote tess of the d'urbervilles to stir up the victorian middle class, so save it.
[14:55] muk: you know who told me?
[14:56] muk: WIKI-FUCKING-PEDIA!!
[14:56] muk: so stuff your fancy english degree.
[14:56] HOC: right
[14:56] HOC: you are real smart
[14:56] muk: game-set-match.

Apologies... and Dr. Katz

2006-05-12T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks, I was sidetracked this week, and unable to post. Next week for sure.

The good news is that 90s Squigglevision classic, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, is now out on DVD. Dr. Katz fans know that this has been a long time coming.

Knockout, brilliant stuff.

[Froogle: Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist]

What's the Deal with Brown People?

2006-05-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

Kaavya Viswanathan, self-proclaimed unwitting plagiarist, still appears to be in the waxing stage of the avalanche of doom that has befallen her.

Surely the Muk Report has something to say about all this, you ask?

You bet. Stay tuned.

[Gawker: Kaavya Viswanathan]

You Just Got Fucked

2006-04-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

And these symptoms are totally hip too. Just so you know,

Backache
Constipation
Cramps
Dizziness
Fluid retention
Hemorrhoids
Heartburn
Hypertension
Insomnia
Mood swings
Morning sickness
Rib pain
Sore breasts
Yeast infection
Varicose veins

[CNN: It's Hip to be Pregnant]
[BellyBelly: Common Pregnancy Ailments & Side Effects]

Hunting Badgers in Brooklyn

2006-04-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

I have made a number of very disturbing observations in my neighborhood of late. I'm not talking about assaults, robberies, or the occasional giant trash bag full of dead pigeons.

I'm referring to the product that you see to your left. For $39.99 (plus $5.99 shipping, plus the last shred of your masculinity), you can own the Bumper Badger™.

There are at least two cars on my block that sport this thing. And every time I see it I want to rip it off and destroy the fucking bumper with an ice pick. Look, I keep a car in the city and I also park on the street. I understand the desire to keep one's car in good shape. But I will never put anything called the Bumper Badger™ on my ride. I mean, seriously, why not just wear a sandwich board with the words Feckless Yuppie over your body.

What's next? The Muffler Monkey™? The Headlight Hyena™? The Gas Cap Giraffe™?

To the enterprising people at Chariot Auto who realized they could make a shitload of money selling a $40 doormat to my neighbors: bravo.

To my neighbors: it's never too late to get your dignity back.

Or is it.

P.S. The Bumper Badger™ is not related to the Bag Hutch. Technically.

[Bumper Badger™]

Get Your Torture On

2006-04-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ask anyone who has been a prisoner of war, or an enemy combatant, or someone who gets repeatedly trapped in that same, endless drunken conversation with his old college friend who insists that he's going to "die alone": torture is no laughing matter.

Until now that is.

Last month Time Magazine released the full interrogation log of suspected "20th hijacker," Mohammad al-Qahtani. The log, consisting of 83 pages of flowery prose (not!), is chock full of insight into just how your tax dollars are at work down there at Guantanamo Bay.

(Taxes due Monday by the way. You're welcome.)

I'll say one thing: this is not easy reading. First of all, it's 83 pages, small type, very repetitive, and no discernible narrative arc. Second of all, 20th hijacker or not, some of the shit that this guy is subjected to is harsh. Really, unless you have yellow ribbons so far up your ass that they are now fighting for space in your brain, you can't read this and not have some sympathy for the poor fucker.

But I'm not going to kill your pre-weekend buzz with such gravitas. If there's anything I've learned from decades of morning drive radio, it's that Friday is time to get wacky. And wacky we will get.

We start on p.19,

Control began “birthday party” and placed party hat on detainee. Detainee offered birthday cake - refused. Interrogators and guards sing “God bless America”. Detainee became very angry.

Birthday party? Cake? Singing? What's to get angry about? Oh, because it's in the context of being tortured by your infidel captors?! Got it.

Detainee ate one Hostess Cupcake with interrogation team.

[Scene: somewhere in the White House, late 2001]

Dubya: How are we going to finance this war?
Rumsfeld: Two words, sir: product placement.
[Pause]
Dubya: Brilliant, Rummy, brilliant.

Interrogators ran puppet show satirizing the detainee’s involvement with Al Qaida.

For those that want to play at home.

Corpsman checked vitals – O.K. Christina Aguilera music played.

I would have picked Frampton Comes Alive, but hey, it's your torture gig not mine.

Interrogation team enter the booth and started talking about how glad they were that he was back and that they would have a BBQ in his honor. When the detainee stated that he would not want any of that food, the interrogators told him that the BBQ wasn’t for him, it was for everyone else.

Ah, the ol' "You Mistakenly Thought We Were Going to Have a BBQ in Your Honor" move. A timeless classic.

The lead held the coffee in front of the detainee and when the detainee reached for the coffee, the interrogator poured the coffee on the floor. The detainee seemed to be mad at the interrogators for the remainder of the shift.

Wow, ya think?

In order to escalate the detainee’s emotions, a mask was made from an MRE box with a smiley face on it and placed on the detainee’s head for a few moments. A latex glove was inflated and labeled the “sissy slap” glove. This glove was touched to the detainee’s face periodically after explaining the terminology to him. The mask was placed back on the detainee’s head. While wearing the mask, the team began dance instruction with the detainee.

Not even sure what to say about that one.

He also appeared to be very annoyed by the use of his mother and sister as examples of prostitutes and whores.

Hmmm, yeah, understandable I guess.

Detainee expresses great ignorance about dinosaurs and space, topics that are taught in U.S. grade schools. Detainee asked interrogator if the sun revolved around the earth.

Well, those aren't exactly ideal testing conditions. Imagine trying to take the GREs while the proctor dumps your coffee on the floor and then talks about how he fucks your mom. Oh, and Christina Aguilera is blaring in the background. Not easy is my guess.

Torture, it's a complicated issue. I'd get into it more, but I just got back into town and my friends want to throw me a BBQ.

Have a good weekend. And, uh, stay out of trouble.

[Time - Detainee 063: A Broken Man?]
[Time - Complete Interrogation Log]

The Baggage Claim Blame Game

2006-04-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

I only had moderate expectations for my recent trip to Miami. Sure, I never got around to seeing Verdi or very much of South Beach, but goddamn was it a good time. Drinking Patron and eating fresh, local seafood poolside at 4pm every afternoon after a round of golf was just divine.

And things seemed to follow suit on the way back as we touched down and deplaned at JFK . Three of our four pieces of checked bagged showed up right away. I helped load up the taxi and asked my wife and spawn to wait while I retrieved the last suitcase - which happened to be my own.

After about 5 minutes I noticed that a bag identical to mine in every way except for numerous tags and markers, had made its way around the conveyor belt about 4 times.

I triple checked to make sure that it wasn't mine. This bag had a lock, 2 tags, a red piece of masking tape around the handle, and an additional marking on the underside. It was definitely not mine.

Ugh, wait a second.

It occurred to me then that someone, in haste, grabbed my bag by mistake, leaving his own behind.

Fuck.

How this person failed to notice that the bag he took HAD NO LOCK, TAGS, OR OTHER PERSONAL MARKINGS on it was beyond me. But at that point it was too late. He was long gone.

I went out to the cab and told my wife to leave without me, as I had to report the incident to the American Airlines lost baggage department; and God knows how long that was going to take. I could probably fill two posts about lost baggage departments, but for now I'll say simply that tired luggage-less travelers + overworked customer service employees = bad news.

It is a continuous miracle that people are not fucking killing each other in there. I kid you not when I say that I saw, in the course of 5 minutes, the following,

1. An 80-year-old man with a thick Hungarian accent shouting repeatedly , "Vat are you people doing? Vat is going on here?! I can't believe you do this to sick old man!"

2. A demure, pregnant, Dominican-American woman sitting on the floor, quietly weeping into her hands.

Baggage claim pathos. Who knew. Thankfully, I am neither pregnant nor Hungarian, so things weren't so bad, all things considered.

Still, believe or not, it took two days for this clown to figure out he had the wrong bag. TWO FUCKING DAYS! Who doesn't open their luggage for two days? The bag finally found its way from Albany to Chicago and then to NYC. It was delivered to my door 4 days after the start of the brouhaha.

The point of the story? I think the moral here is to pay attention and not take other people's luggage - accident or otherwise. Actually, scratch that. The moral of this story is not to take my luggage. Do whatever you want with everyone else's.

Caveat: leave the old, Hungarian guy alone. I think he's gone through enough already.

Luggage Woes

2006-03-27T18:29:00.000-08:00

Miami was great. The trip back, well, not as much.

Coming soon...

You're Never Too Young for Verdi

2006-03-17T13:07:00.001-08:00

Being the good daddy that I am, I have planned a number of fantabulous activities for my little girl as we head down to Miami this weekend. What makes the top of the list, you ask? Behold, from Miami Kids,

March 18 2006 - April 1 2006
Rigoletto
Description: Florida Grand Opera.
A very famous opera Based on Victor Hugo's play. Rigoletto narrates the sad story of a deformed, disillusioned court jester who enjoys arranging female prey for his sex-crazed master, the Duke.

You see, the thing is, I can only shelter my little one for so long. At some point she simply must realize that we live in a world full of deformed court jesters and failed regicides.

You call it mean. I call it tough love.

(Have a good weekend, folks.)

[Miami Kids - Calendar of Events]

RESULTS: Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest (#2)

2006-03-13T14:23:00.000-08:00

You all failed. Failed! Here are the results of the latest Babelfuck contest,

1. Here Comes Your Man, Pixies
2. Time, Pink Floyd
3. Radar Love, Golden Earring
4. Paul Revere, Beastie Boys
5. Heavy Metal Drummer, Wilco

Unfortunately, no single person got all 5. My guess is that I either made it too hard, or that "bragging rights" is damn near the shittiest prize out there. Little of both probably.

I think I'm done with the whole Babelfuck thing anyway. As a wise friend in 8th grade once said,

"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."

Word.

Who Is Muk?

2006-03-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

New readers often wonder just who this Muk guy is. Here's some edification from the ol' Wikipedia,

Muk, quite frankly, is the personification of sludge and bad hygiene. Muk thrives in toxic waste and garbage. It inhabits any polluted area; including abandoned factories, garbage dumps and sewers.

Muk itself is also a source of pollution. As Muk slides across the ground, it leaves behind a trail of highly poisonous sludge.

No one tampered with that entry either. Ouch.

[Earlier, Muk Report: Wikipedia Bumps in the Road]
[Official Pokemon Website]

Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest (#2)

2006-03-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

Would you believe me if I told you that half of the emails I get are from people imploring me to do another Babelfuck contest?

Of course you wouldn't because you are all savvy people that see through my silly lies. To be frank, half of my emails are actually from some woman who would "like to have some NoStrings AttachedSexX," but that bitch still hasn't written me back. Fucking tease.

Right. So, anyway, back to the main attraction: Babelfuck Contest #2. This time it's for bragging rights. And before you spoiled little shits scoff at a non-monetary prize, remember that our founding fathers died defending your bragging rights.

Spoiled little shits.

Ok, wow, I am like totally ADD today. Back to the program. Here are five new songs; and I am praying to God/Allah/Tooth Fairy that it's harder than the last contest. You guys were all over that.

Oh, two restrictions to point out: no online resources (i.e., Google) permitted; immediate family and siblings are excluded from posting guesses - email me directly if you want to play for fun. I can't really enforce any of this, so please be a good sport.

Song #1

"Exists a waiting so much long-lasting. You will not wait for never so much. Here comes your individual."

Song #2

"No one to you said when in order to it runs. You lost the initial firearm arm."

Song #3

"When this alone and they take too much, it sends a cable that emanates through above."

Song #4

"We walked in air, it had a firearm arm, I had a grin. Think that this history is beyond but is expects in order to it begins."

Song #5

"I lose those areas of heavy metals that I used in order to I go I see in the landing the summertime."

Who will be crowned Babelfuck Mistranslation Champion #2? Drop your guesses in the comments section and await the results.

[Previously, Muk Report: Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest]
[Previously, Muk Report: Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest Winner]
[Urban Dictionary: Babelfuck]

Wikipedia: Bumps on the Road to Knowledge Utopia

2006-02-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

From Wikipedia's entry on Andrew Jackson,

"As president, Andrew Jackson established himself as a refined man who owned three gerbils and liked cheese."

In other news, sales of Encyclopædia Britannica up for Q1 2006.

[Wikipedia]

Still Here

2006-02-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Lordy me, there's so much to talk about these days, what with the Olympics, the Vice President shooting people in the face, and putative terrorists bidding to guard our ports. Personally, the only ports I have that need protecting are being consumed as we speak, so that's a moot point now.

The Muk Report has been slow lately, but I plan to open things up to the readers with another Babelfuck contest very soon. Stay tuned.

Park Slope T-Shirt Designs: Comments Roundup

2006-02-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

You can read the full post and all of the comments here, but below are some of my favorites. Man, some of you people really know how to get your hate on. I love it.

"Haters. Would you rather the procreators just give up and move to the suburbs?" - Anonymous

[Ed. note: Umm, it looks like the answer is "yes."]

"Can't we enjoy clog comfort and bask in the dorkiness of it all at once?" - Anonymous

"I think this is unfair. Someone should make fun of the Upper West Siders and Upper East Siders and Faux Hipster Lower East Siders first..." - Anonymous

"i agree, this is completely unfair. so what if there happens to be lots of outbacks, clogs, and buggaboos? it's what makes park slope park slope. get over it." - Anonymous

"Unfair" or not, it's frickin hysterical." - Anonymous

"What really cracks up though are the pompous, humorless responses from those defending Da Slope. Boo hoo." - Anonymous

"Live in the Slope, have a baby (although I don't use a stroller), wear Danskos often and I think it's great!" - Anonymous

"How about a shirt with an 'F' train logo at the 7th ave subway station with caption reading: 'Next Stop, Montclair, NJ!'"

[Ed. note: Now, that's fucking funny.]

"Concept: brilliant. Not having actual t-shirts ready for the mongrel hordes banging down your door: an unfortunate oversight. - dailyheights

[Ed. note: Thanks for rubbing it in, Bowser.]

"I'll take the corner of 7th and Connecticut Muffin. I bet I'll sell the most!!! Bring it!" - Anonymous

"Can we rag on the Co-Op more? For me it's the center of the self-righteous in Park Slope. All these socialist wannabes in their expensive clothes standing around looking self-impressed. How many people does it take ring up some environmentally friendly biodegradable peanut-free toilet paper anyway? You've got about a dozen knuckleheads sitting behind some table tallying up God knows what and talking about their latest yoga class." - Billy

"i think we have the same phenomena here in berkeley ca. not as many volvos. you can see the outbacks being valet-parked on weekends while the owners are inside tasting $7 gourmet organic marshmallows and being rung up by the cutest, tattooed little vegan goth babes in those little green aprons." - liza

[Ed. note to self: Renew BurningAngel subscription.]

"Let's not forget our beloved native business owners. Seems like every knucklehead with too much money and time on their hands is either opening up a restaurant or one of those overpriced boutiques." - Billy

[Ed. note: Billy, you're a riot.]

"I drive a volvo station wagon, have an orange bugaboo frog, where clogs and rectangular glasses. Have I reached critical mass yet?" - Anonymous

"Muk knows the Bugaboo affordability more than anyone. He wouldn't let me buy one. We have a Maclaren (or more than one). He will however outfit his entire family in Danskos and laugh about it. We don't have an Outback (yet)." - Muk's Wife

[Ed. note: Didn't I ban you?]

"Listen, people, nobody is hating on procreation (or strollers). But whenever I get a half-day off from my double shift at the factory, or take a walk for some fresh air amidst six consecutive days of studying for exams, do I need to see the same constipated-looking women rolling their spawn around at noon while buying lattes and organic produce?" - Anonymous

"Park Slope is an excellent place to live if you don't mind the unremitting stench of soiled diapers and the din of braying infants." - Anonymous

[Ed. note: Replace 'Park Slope' with 'Williamsburg,' 'diapers with 'hipsters,' and 'infants' with 'douchebags.' It works, really!]

"I grew up in Park Slope, back when working class people could afford to buy homes there and the place still had the feeling of a distinctive neighborhood. Now it has all the character if a gigantic LL Bean outlet. All of you baby bearin', inside tradin', brownstone ownin' sons of bitches can kiss my ass!!" - Anonymous

John Lennon, as we all know, penned the words, "Imagine all the people living life in peace."

It goes without saying: he didn't live in the Slope.

[Previously, The Muk Report: Park Slope T-Shirt Designs]

Those Wacky T-Shirts!

2006-02-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, I appreciate all the attention from my Park Slope T-Shirt Designs. I wasn't expecting a 15 minute time killer to garner the attention that it did.

Unfortunately, I have no immediate plans to sell shirts based on these designs. The last thing I need right now is a cease and desist letter from Subaru, Dansko, and/or Bugaboo for (ab)use of their copyrighted images. Not to mention, I don't know a lick of Dutch or Danish, which would most certainly complicate things further.

P.S. I'm wearing clogs right now.

P.P.S. And nothing else.

P.P.P.S. Sorry.

[Gawker: Muk Report's Park Slope T-Shirt Designs]

How Many of These Could I Move at 7th and Union?

2006-02-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

WINNER: Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest (#1)

2006-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, we already have a winner for the first Babelfuck Mistranslation Contest. Mary O., PhD, from Philadelphia correctly guessed the following,

1. Sounds of Silence, Simon and Garfunkel
2. Like a Rolling Stone, Bob Dylan
3. Keep on Loving You, REO Speedwagon
4. It Takes Two, Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock
5. We're an American Band, Grand Funk Railroad

I practically had a stroke when y'all nailed Grand Funk Railroad. I thought no one would get that. Seriously, you people should be embarrassed that you know that one.

Mary O. comments,

"I used to grade hundreds of English papers written by international students. What were the languages? I would have sworn there was some Chinese student writing these."

No doubt, Mary O. Reading some of those lyrics gave me flashbacks to my freshman year calculus recitations. All of the translations, by the way, were English > Spanish > English.

I completely underestimated my readership (which, in most cases, serves me well). Ok, next time this is going to be much harder.

Oh, and congrats to Mary O.

The Entropy of Online Translation

2006-01-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

AltaVista's Babel Fish Translation tool can certainly be handy in a pinch. Not surprisingly though, as many are aware, the system is irreversible. That is to say, you can't translate from, say, English to German and then back to English expecting a pristine backward translation. And as it turns out, not only is it not perfect, but the results can be really fucked up and downright high-larious.

So, I thought we'd have a little contest on this lovely Friday. Really simple - I will take a few verses of a song, rock a little Babel Fish double translation, and you folks guess the tune and artist in the comments section. First one to get all five wins a $20 Barnes and Noble gift card. So rouse yourself from that hangover, pop a few Advil, and get crackin'.

Here are five songs, going from easy to hard. I'll stick with 60s, 70s, and 80s for this one.

Song #1

"Hello the dark, my old friend. I have come to speak again with you."

Song #2

"Once on a time you dressed so very well. You sent the vague ones to the currency of ten cents in your premium, not you?"

Song #3

"And I am going to keep in loving to him. Because it is the only thing I wish to do. Desire not to sleep. Hardly desire to keep in loving to him."

Song #4

"Desire to oscillate now. I am base of the robbery and I came to obtain down. Internationally they do not know me, but that knows me to oscillate the microphone."

Song #5

"We are one sells American. We are one sells American. We are coming to its city. We will help party him that swallows. We are one sells American."

If you think you have all five, and would like to qualify for the gift certificate, you must include your email address with your guesses. If that freaks you out, go get a fake address from Hotmail or Yahoo.

Aight kids, the comments section is all yours.

Fuck This

2006-01-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, the idea of trying to guess the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest winner on a weekly basis is becoming less and less attractive. I just read the entries for contest #34 and, sweet Jesus, I feel like running into traffic. Sorry folks, I just can't do it.

[Earlier - Muk Report: Results for Caption Contest #32]
[Earlier - Muk Report: Guess the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest]

RESULTS: Guess the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Winner (#31)

2006-01-17T19:04:00.000-08:00

Man, this is not a good start. In my first attempt to guess what New Yorker readers would vote in the Cartoon Caption Contest, I came up way short.

Here were the guesses,

Muk: #2
Random number generator: #3
WINNER: #1

And here are the current standings,

Muk: 0/1
Random number generator: 0/1

I can't believe that piece-of-shit Minotaur line took the prize. Well, at least I'm not losing to the random number algorithm (yet).

Ok, we're going to do cartoon #33 next because I fucked up and missed #32. Coming shortly.

[New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest]

Excuses, excuses...

2006-01-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

Very busy week. I have more to post, but little time to do so. Check back soon. Love ya.

Pennsylvania's First Gay Middle School

2006-01-03T07:34:00.000-08:00

[Poor quality photo by Muk. Drexel Hill Middle School. Drexel Hill, PA.]

First, Intelligent Design is struck down, and now this. Pat Robertson and God are probably on the horn right now deciding the fate of the Keystone State.

Oh, the other side of the sign said something like "Wiener Idol," but it was pouring rain and I was getting soaked. Yes, I'll bring an umbrella next time.

[Previously: Pat Robertson Hates on Evolution]
[Harvey Milk High School]

Guess the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Winner (#31)

2005-12-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

Marginally clever, but largely toothless describes the bulk of the finalists and nearly all of the winners of the The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. Part of the problem is that you can't work blue. The New Yorker isn't going to print anything that has, say, the word "dickbag" in it, so you're hamstrung right out of the gate. Sure, some people can be funny without resorting to words like "dickbag," but those people are a)extremely rare and b)don't submit to the Caption Contest anyway.

The sad result of all this is that a typical submission reads like something your 60-year-old Aunt Bernice would find funny. You know, the same Aunt Bernice that still delivers a full belly laugh when she reads an Ogden Nash epigram.

I originally planned to do something along the lines of Daniel Radosh's Anti-Caption Contest to bring this to light, but was, alas, beaten to the punch.

A similarly poignant send-up can be found in this McSweeney's List.

I thought it would be fun and possibly entertaining to attempt to guess the winner. Now, by chance alone I should score 33% over time, as there are three finalists presented each week. To better gauge my performance I will also throw in a guess from a random number generator.

Surely I should be able to outperform a virtual dart-throwing monkey, right?

Ok, off to the races! Here are this week's submissions along with my deliberations (in red) and final guess. Feel free to keep score at home.

1. "If I'm not back at the maze by eight, my wife reels in the damn string."
Submitted by Lou Primus
Horsham, Pa.

In the land of the Caption Contest, brevity is king. Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is that if your caption is more than 10 words long, it better be really fucking funny. And this is not. It's a long-winded way of saying that you stayed awake at least one day in your freshman Greek mythology seminar.

2. "Don't tell me it's halftime already."
Submitted by Mark Swartz
Forest Hills, N.Y.

Concise, accessible, and resoundingly lame. I think we have a contender.

3. "If they ask for Ted's Stud Service, I'll take it."
Submitted by Lane Fike
Philadelphia, Pa.

The oblique reference to intercourse gives this one some valuable "edge." Don't rule it out.

Ok, here's the verdict,

Muk: #2
Random Number Generator: #3

Stay tuned for the winner, which I will announce sometime on or after 1/9/06 when The New Yorker posts the results.

NYC Transit Strike Ends Just in Time

2005-12-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

Thank god this whole thing is over. I had enough.

To anyone that cares: I am now gone til late next week. Have a happy holiday, be good to your family, and then you can go back to your terrifying, misanthropic existence on 1/2.

Oh wait, that was a note to self.

Whatever. Peace out, friends.

Target (Literally)

2005-12-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

To the subhuman fuckface that swiped my wife's wallet this morning and ran up $3,000 worth of charges at three different stores in the space of 45 minutes:

I wish you the worst tidings this holiday season. I hope Santa comes down your chimney, fucks you in the ass, and shits in your stocking.

Please God, if you are really out there, give this guy $3,000 worth of repeated crow bar blows to the face. Thanks in advance.

Fucking asshole.

Tragedy Aint Tragicomedy

2005-12-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

The story of Darrell Russell, the promising number 2 pick of the 1997 Oakland Raiders, is just, well, sad. It was downhill well before today when he died, according to the AP, with a friend in a car that,

hit a curb,
tree,
newsstand,
fire hydrant,
light pole,
another tree
and an unoccupied transit bus.

Jesus, that reads like the script to a fucking Warner Brothers cartoon.

Does anyone else find this a bit too detailed and, I dunno, undignifying?

[Minneapolis Star Tribune]

Chowhound Banning Draws More Curiousity, Ire

2005-12-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

This latest in a series of pieces on Eater continues to shine light on the mysterious banning policy of food website, Chowhound.

Eater made reference to an older post of mine in which I decried Jim Leff and crew for banning yours truly. A number of you have asked what exactly I did to warrant a summary excommunication. A commenter implores,

so . . . give us the gorey [sic] details of your Vandalism. How indeed did you "urge others to defy CH policy"? You are now going to get a bit of traffic via Eater/Curbed so SPILL!

Ok, Anonymous, you got it. What follows is a complete transcript of the email I received from someone named "Harrison" over at Chowhound. It starts with my original offending post and concludes with the actual text that bans me.

Peep it,

From: Harrison [harrison@chowhound.com]
Sent: Sunday, October 17, 2004 7:39 PM
To: Muk
Subject: Your posting on Chowhound

Posted by: Toon
Message Subject: Re(1): When is this "place that can't be named" crap gonna end?

I say just keep on posting, but make things snappy. One of the beneficial things about Chowhound's lack of resources and primitive technology is that it will take them a while to catch on.

I'm sure they even agree that the rules on banning are pretty crude, but if you've been around long enough you'll see that they are not really interested in discussing it.

Anyhoo, thanks for the post. Very helpful!

--

Mukund,

Our message board rules (http://www.chowhound.com/boards/postinginfo.html) state:

"Users may not post under multiple 'handles' or nametags. Those doing so will be banned from our discussion."

It's especially out of bounds when someone dons an alias to urge other participants to defy Chowhound policy and make our work more difficult and aggravating than it already is -- as we struggle as volunteers on behalf of food lovers exactly like you to foster a reliable, honest resource.

You do have a choice of food forums, and we urge you to find (or
start) one run more to your liking by a team less deserving of your snide disrespect and vandalism. You're no longer welcome at Chowhound.com

Harrison
Chowhound.com
For Those Who Live To Eat

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I was a dick in the original Chowhound post. I certainly violated the "think before you post" credo. But still, did my transgression really warrant such a rebuke, especially given that I contributed to their book?

Another anonymous commenter has this to say,

I am a moderator myself -- not on CH, but elsewhere. I never ban someone until they've first received a warning, and defied it. Moreover, I nearly always provide a way for them to eventually return.

Hmm, I suspect that the Chowhound crew is just too busy for that kind of due process.

Alas. The exile continues.

Smells Like Victory

2005-12-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Two suicide bombers struck at police trainees in the Iraqi capital Tuesday, killing at least 43 people and wounding 70 others, including an American contractor.

[The Mercury News]

The War

2005-12-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- A roadside bomb Thursday killed 10 Marines while they were on "foot patrol near Falluja," the Marine Corps said Friday.

[CNN]

I Got Nothing This Week

2005-12-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry, folks, very busy this week, as the whimsical Bill the Cat image makes all too clear.

More next week.

Dar Gracias

2005-11-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's a short week, what with all the turkey and traveling about to happen. I have a few new reports coming up that will most likely not get posted until next week. Until then, enjoy the holiday and give thanks that more people don't hate you.

Seriously, eat well and start relaxing already.

Iranian Teens Going Blind

2005-11-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

Laura Secor's piece on the collapse of the reform movement in Iran in this week's New Yorker is an insightful read. To wit, check out this quote from a young Iranian security official,

"The majority of the population is young. Young people by nature are horny. Because they are horny, they like to watch satellite channels where there are films or programs they can jerk off to. We have to do something about satellite television to keep society free from this horny jerk off situation."

Shit, Horny Jerk Off Situation is practically my middle name and I turned out just fine, thank you.

Yeah, I'm sure Iran would be a world fucking superpower if they could just get the kids to stop beating off already. Let's pray to Allah that Sirius doesn't market to Iran anytime soon. We'd be looking at a worldwide Kleenex shortage.

Secor concludes,

"My translator implored me, in a jaw-clenched monotone, 'Please do not laugh right now. This is a very sensitive moment.'"

It's safe to say that Secor maintained her composure, as it's pretty hard to file a report once you've been blindfolded and decapitated.

Kudos, Laura!

(The article, incidentally, is not online. There is, however, this interview with Laura Secor about her experience in Iran.)

[New Yorker]

Some Good Things to Read

2005-11-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

My poem, The Loop, appears in this month's issue of Void Magazine, an online literary publication that is rightfully generating some good buzz right now, as evidenced in Gothamist's recent interview with founder and editor-in-chief, Chris Steib.

I am proud to have my work featured in a publication with a creative vision that resonates with my own artistic sensibilities.

Oh, how to find it,

1. Go to Void Magazine.
2. On the left, under New Poetry, click on The Loop.
3. Read everything else in the current issue and all of the archives because it's good. And I told you so.

~~Rock~~ Read on.

CNN Gets All Crunk

2005-11-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Drop it like it's hot? Oh wait...

[CNN]

Pat Robertson Hates on Evolution

2005-11-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

The people of Dover, PA did the right thing this past Tuesday when they voted out their school board for advocating the teaching of intelligent design as part of the biology curriculum.

Or so they thought.

Conservative Christian broadcaster and all-around douchebag, Pat Robertson, had these ominous words (via CNN),

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city."

Shit, I don't even believe in God and I think he would get there quicker than FEMA.

New Yorker Rips Off Blog?

2005-11-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the Harriet Miers blog and John Kenney's humor piece in this week's New Yorker?

Hmmm...

Punkin Chunkin: The Cartoon

2005-11-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

The multitalented Amy Ignatow put together one of her classic cartoon narratives of this year's Punkin Chunkin.

Amy got skillz yo. Enjoy.

[Earlier: Muk Report on Punkin Chunkin]

Punkin Chunkin

2005-11-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

Question: What happens when you send three minority group cosmopolites to a redneck pumpkin throwing competition?

Answer: Good fucking times.

This past Saturday, Muk Report Philadelphia correspondents, Anand Rao, Amy Ignatow, and Monique Powell attended the 20th annual Punkin Chunkin, a pumpkin tossing festival held in Millsboro, Delaware.

Now, post-Halloween pumpkin disposal festivities are not entirely uncommon, as evidenced by the Pumpkin Smash, an event that takes place in my own beloved neighborhood.

The Punkin Chunkin is, however, sui generis.

First off, it's pretty safe to say that the bulk of the attendees here voted for Bush. It's also pretty safe to say that they voted for Bush right after blowing the face off a deer with a Winchester .30-30. We're talkin' full tilt, right-from-the-handbook clodhoppers: confederate flags, overalls, unironic facial hair, and the very latest in camouflage casual straight from Cabela's. Providing entertainment was none other than musician/author/conservative-wackjob, Charlie Daniels.

In other words, leave your Hooray for Fags and Abortion! t-shirt at home.

Oh, and they're as serious about the actual pumpkin hurling as they are about the whole "boycott France" thing. To wit (excerpted from the official rules),

3. All Machines must be able to fire within three (3) minutes. Human power will get an additional two (2) minutes to cock the machine. (Keep in mind that every attempt is made to give you (20) minutes by informing you 4 machines or more down the firing line.) Any machine not able to fire when the pit boss decides...

And it goes on like that for, like, ever.

So, what exactly did our correspondents learn? Let see,

Despite the two hour drive and one hour wait to enter the “parking lot” (a crude extension of the punkin playground), we arrived in good spirits. After all, there were punkins to be hurled/ejected. Lest you think that punkins have only one way of becoming airborne, think again. The categories include air cannons, catapults, trebuchets and more. Last year’s champion air cannon, Old Glory, scored an inconceivable 4,220 feet! However, my favorite air cannon name is Second Amendment. There are official rules for distance measurements and general safety. Hey, this is THE world championship Punkin Chunkin, not just some division AA pumpkin toss.

And could you imagine a better way to wrap up two days of punkin lovin’ fun than with everyone’s favorite groove armada, The Charlie Daniels Band? [Ed. note: Yes.]

Frankly, as a brown guy from the city, my "general rule of safety" would have been to stay the holy fuck away from Millsboro, Delaware. But hey, it's 2005 and we should at least be happy that it wasn't the 20th annual Slave Chunkin/Lynch-O-Palooza or some shit.

My gratitude to our fearless Philadelphia correspondents for braving the hinterlands and filing this report.

Next time, the pie's on me.

The Apocalypse Is Near

2005-11-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

If the founding fathers of our modern computing technologies had ever forecasted this, surely all technical designs would have been summarily immolated and a pact formed never to speak of them again.

Imagine being the Chief Marketing Officer or Senior VP of Almonds or whatever over at Planters. This is the shit you sit around and think of.

Best. Job. Ever.

(Oh, my fav dance is The Emm-Jay.)

Diary of a Female Cabby

2005-11-02T07:04:00.000-08:00

I have become a regular reader of New York Hack, a female cab driver here in NYC. She offers an interesting glimpse into cab driving subculture, complete with on-the-spot photos of her various adventures.

Gothamist just did an interview with its driver, Melissa Plaut.

Who drives the worst, Jerseyites or Mercedes owners (Mercedes-owning Jerseyites?)? How much time should you budget to get from Midtown to JFK in rush hour? Oh, and she doesn't want to talk to you, so shut the fuck up and just enjoy the ride.

Busy Signal

2005-11-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, it has been a hectic week. Will post something good/ok soon.

Filling the Supreme Court Void

2005-10-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Harriet Miers officially withdrew her nomination to the Supreme Court. And so we begin the search for a new candidate.

I'll just say it - what about Alice Cooper?

Now, this isn't a cheap continuation of the running sight gag that Miers and Cooper were separated at birth. There's (slightly) more to it.

First of all, he's technically a conservative that publicly supported Bush in the last election. Then there's the whole born again Christian and recovered alcoholic thingy, which certainly makes him kindred to the President. Finally, you throw in the weird golf proclivity and you pretty much have a perfect Republican Party poster boy.

Shoo-in you say? Not so fast.

Cooper built his stage persona by pretty much violating all Ten Commandments - usually in the course of a single performance. I don't know what says "fuck you" to the Republican Party more than, I dunno, throwing a live chicken off stage to be torn apart by a horde of rabid fans.

Let's summarize,

Republican points: born again Christian, recovering boozer, supported Dubya, golfer.

Democrat points: younger days marred by "less than wholesome" activities.

At this point, I'd say we're dead even. So, how do we break the tie?

Like any other candidate, we need to examine Cooper's credentials. Now, he didn't have the benefit of a legal career, so we can't scrutinize things like pleadings and written opinions. He does, however, have a body of work.

What follows is a list of every song he wrote whose title could be construed as either left-leaning, right-leaning, or, in some cases, both. We'll put these into their respective categories to see if he's a trustworthy carpetbagger or just a godless liberal masquerading as a straight shooter.

Let's get started,

1. Living
I dunno, this sounds pretty pro-life to me.
REPUBLICAN

2. Apple Bush
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

3. Ain't That Just Like a Woman
Gender stereotyping. No contest.
REPUBLICAN

4. Painting a Picture
Only hippies and fags paint pictures.
DEMOCRAT

5. Freak Out Song
Sounds drug-related.
DEMOCRAT

6. Goin' to the River
To get baptized?
REPUBLICAN

7. Refrigerator Heaven
Oblique Christianity reference.
REPUBLICAN

8. Lay Down and Die, Goodbye
Right to die?
DEMOCRAT

9. Second Coming
Of our Lord. Too obvious.
REPUBLICAN

10. Be My Lover
Pre-marital sex?
DEMOCRAT

11. Halo of Flies
The halo says "praise Jesus," but the flies say "I passed out drunk and woke up in the alley behind Denny's."
DRAW

12. Dead Babies
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

13. Killer
Is this pro-life or anti-death penalty?
DRAW

14. Raped and Freezing
He was asking for it.
REPUBLICAN

15. Billion Dollar Babies
Every life is sacred... and worth exactly one billion dollars.
REPUBLICAN

16. No More Mister Nice Guy
Tough love.
REPUBLICAN

[Damn, this is not looking good for the Democrats.]

17. I Love the Dead
Pro-abortion and pro-death penalty?
DRAW

18. Devil's Food
Believes in angry red guy with horns and pitchfork.
REPUBLICAN

19. Only Women Bleed
Radical feminism.
DEMOCRAT

20. The Awakening
Born again.
REPUBLICAN

21. Go to Hell
[see #18]
REPUBLICAN

22. Give The Kid a Break
300 strikes and you're still not out.
DEMOCRAT

23. My God
Self-evident.
REPUBLICAN

24. I Love America
Could be jingoism, could be satire. Flip a coin...
DEMOCRAT

25. Pass the Gun Around
Duet with Charlton Heston.
REPUBLICAN

26. The World Needs Guts
Sounds pretty Wolfowitz to me.
REPUBLICAN

27. Great American Success Story
With a little hard work anyone can succeed [barf].
REPUBLICAN

28. Freedom
To bear arms or marry your same-sex partner?
DRAW

29. Not That Kind of Love
Uphold sodomy laws.
REPUBLICAN

30. Time to Kill
By lethal injection.
REPUBLICAN

31. Hell Is Living Without You
[See #18]
REPUBLICAN

32. I'm Your Gun
All hail the 2nd Amendment.
REPUBLICAN

33. Love's a Loaded Gun
[See #32]
REPUBLICAN

[This is starting to look like a rout.]

34. Might As Well Be on Mars
A man after Bush's own heart.
REPUBLICAN

35. Hurricane Years
Ooooh, do I smell a little Katrina backlash?
DEMOCRAT

36. Die for You
Right to die, baby.
DEMOCRAT

37. Nothing's Free
So we're raising taxes.
DEMOCRAT

38. Lost in America
Immigrants' rights?
DEMOCRAT

[Democrats are rallying!]

39. You're My Temptation
Bible, bible, bible.
REPUBLICAN

40. Stolen Prayer
Sure, it's a prayer, but it was fucking stolen.
DRAW

41. Unholy War
And there's still no exit strategy.
DEMOCRAT

42. Take It Like a Woman
[See #3]
REPUBLICAN

43. Every Woman Has a Name
Right out of a Smith College brochure.
DEMOCRAT

44. I Just Wanna Be God
Sacrilege!
DEMOCRAT

Tally
REPUBLICAN: 25
DEMOCRAT: 14
DRAW: 5

Well, there you have it. Despite his sordid past, Alice Cooper proves his conservative loyalty and eligibility for the Supreme Court nomination. He's not Harriet Miers, but I'm starting to think he's a close second.

And if he doesn't work out, there's always Ted Nugent.

The Negro Knows

2005-10-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

Black Kid from the Hood + Choate Education + Mad Creativity = Very Good Reading

Blogger, The Assimilated Negro (T.A.N.), has a humorous and playful style that belies a rather complex and unique perspective on a wide range of subjects and issues. Although rooted in race and class, his viewpoint is neither derivative nor cliché.

Here are 100 things about T.A.N.

Keep your eye on this guy. Good stuff.

Asia Dispatch Week: Recap

2005-10-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Asia Dispatch Week turned out to be Asia Dispatch Fortnight as an alert reader observed. I offer a hearty kudos and thanks to Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, for his dutiful reporting from the Far East. An intrepid correspondent, Mr. Sapporo risked food poisoning and, likely, various venereal diseases to bring Asia home to you, the reader.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this small collection of dispatches finds its way into bulkpacks for Asian Studies 101 at our nation's most esteemed colleges and universities. Also, I am an idiot.

So, what exactly did we learn these past 2 weeks? Let's see,

1. The Foo Ko is not as exotic as the transliteration suggests.

2. Beware the woman that chases man.

3. Must get to Bangkok next time.

4. Cats are the new rats.

5. Know the local rules before littering in Singapore.

6. The Japanese are taller and hipper than ever before, neither of which will come in handy when the big one hits.

There you have it. Now, back to bidness.

Asia Dispatch Week: Oh No, There Goes Tokyo

2005-10-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

Filed Friday, 10/21/2005, 11:48 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Upper West Side, Manhattan
Photo: Kirin Sapporo

Most of you probably know much about Tokyo already; it's like any other big city. Like London or Paris, it has its own distinct culture, yet it shares the same universal stamp of commercialism that you'll find everywhere.

And I'll say it again: we have more to fear from Starbucks than we think.

One thing I noticed is that the Japanese are getting taller. In the past, any time a girl who was 5'7" or taller walked down the street, people would stare with the same kind of amazement and fear that you'd expect if Godzilla were barreling toward them. But nowadays it's not uncommon to see twenty-something guys and girls pushing toward the 5'9", 5'10" range.

Another thing that I noticed is that, in some cases, they're more hip than we are. Some of the people roaming around the streets of Tokyo rock the hipster look better than your average Williamsburg fauxhemian.

Spent a day at Tsukiji, the famous fish market where much of the imported tuna you'll find in sushi restaurants is bought and sold. There are (not surprisingly) many sushi restaurants in the neighborhood, all relatively cheap. I looked for the tiniest, shittiest-looking one I could find, hoping that it would be the most authentic. I ate a full sushi platter at one with buttery toro for less than $15. The knife skills were wanting, but the fish was undeniably fresh off the boat. For the first time, I could safely say that New York is more expensive than Tokyo.

Ate ramen noodles at a truck stop during a side trip up north one day. Best damn noodles I ever ate.

Also felt the earthquake on Wednesday night. Was eating at a restaurant when everything began to sway. For those of you who have never felt an earthquake, it's kind of like hitting turbulence in a plane, but it's a smoother, more side-to-side movement that sort of dies down gradually and comes in waves. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but apparently it was above a 6.0 which is considered fairly strong.

So with my eating done, shopping done, sightseeing done, and all the obligatory family visits done, I boarded a plane to head back to New York. The 12 hour flight seemed relatively quick in comparison to my trip to Singapore. I arrived at JFK and immediately reverted back to New Yorker mode, pushing my way through the crowds and complaining about the traffic.

It's good to be home.

Asia Dispatch Week: Survivor

2005-10-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

Filed Friday, 10/21/2005, 7:48 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Tokyo, Japan

I actually felt an aftershock during dinner. It feels like when you're in a plane and you hit some turbulence, though more of a slow, steady movement.

Weird stuff. Didn't think it was a big deal, but I guess you guys heard about it.

Asia Dispatch Week: Incommunicado

2005-10-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

It appears that there was a magnitude 6.5 earthquake in Japan, rattling buildings in Tokyo. We are still waiting to hear from correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, who is currently in the capital city, hunkered down in the Muk Report Tokyo field office (i.e., his Grandmother's condo).

We presume he is safe, as only a few minor injuries have been reported.

Developing...

Asia Dispatch Week: Singapore Wrap-up

2005-10-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Filed Tuesday, 10/18/2005, 7:28 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Tokyo, Japan

I left Singapore feeling a bit dismayed about what's happening to the rest of the world. Let me explain.

I came expecting to see and feel like I was in some exotic locale, given the fact that I was near the equator 10,000 miles away from New York. But in the end, the heavy hand of American culture could be felt everywhere. At first, for example, I was under the impression that the food fair centers everywhere in the city were called "Hokku Centers," but on my last day there, I saw a sign and realized that they were called "Hawker Centers," named after the way the vendors walk around promoting their wares.

I stopped by a place called Bar None one night that had a live band; they were all Chinese, yet they were playing REM, U2, and the other, predictable pop icon suspects. Strangely enough, the lead singer sounded uncannily like Michael Stipe.

I met an assistant to a business contact who had never been to New York but seemed to know everything about it. She asked about the subway terror threat and whether Nick and Jessica had really split up. Eating and shopping are their two biggest pastimes.

Despite the preconceptions, Singapore is very clean but not pristine. One day I saw what suspiciously looked like "homeless man poo" in a corner of the subway station.

The men who frequent the red light district are nearly all Westerners. For $150 USD you can get full service from a Malaysian hooker who looks like Jessica Alba. For $50 USD you can get a blowjob from a Thai hooker who looks like a poor man's version of Lil' Kim [Ed. note - SOLD!].

We have more to fear from Starbucks than we first thought.

So I'm in Tokyo now, and it's very much the busy, brimming city that you'd expect. Things are really far apart here. You think Manhattan is big - it takes 2 hours to go from one side of the city to the other.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have had a profound effect on the way people around the world dress. The schoolgirls here with their short skirts and knee-length boots could easily be mistaken for Asian fetish porn stars. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

More about Tokyo to come...

Asia Dispatch Week: Konnichi Wa

2005-10-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

I know just how much all of you have been enjoying Asia Dispatch Week here on the Muk Report. Well, good news - our very own ~~mildly retarded~~ enthusiastic version of Alexis de Tocqueville, Kirin Sapporo, has departed Singapore and arrived safely in the motherland, Japan.

Mr. Sapporo will be working on more dispatches, which I expect to be arriving shortly in bright pink Hello Kitty envelopes.

Stay tuned.

Asia Dispatch Week: Explaining the Caning

2005-10-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

Filed Thursday, 10/13/2005, 9:51 PM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

Everyone back in the U.S. tells me the same things about this place: don't litter and don't chew gum, or you're going to get caned.

Mention caning to anyone here and their eyes roll and they say, "Michael Fay." He is Singapore's Rodney King, albeit a more obviously guilty one.

"You know why he got punished? Because cars are SOOO expensive here, and he vandalized many of them one night, for what?" said a local. "If some kid did that to your BMW and your neighbor's, you would probably cane him too!"

He did have a point.

Since Singapore was in the spotlight, it looks like many of the rules have been relaxed. It's a clean city, but to say that there's no litter is simply not true. I was having a smoke with someone next to their car the other night when I asked what I should do with the cigarette butt.

"Don't throw it in the street," she said.

She then proceeded to toss her butt into the grass next to the road.

"Throwing it into the grass, on the other hand, is ok," she smiled. "Like anything, just don't get caught."

Have yet to see any gum here, though. I'm dying for a stick.

Asia Dispatch Week: Chicken Tikka and Camel Clutch

2005-10-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Filed Thursday, 10/13/2005, 9:30 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore
Photo: Kirin Sapporo

Just got back from the Little India section of Singapore, and there's nothing "little" about it. I've never been to India itself, but I suspect that most of this neighborhood looks very familiar to the Indian expat population.

Had a hankering for some authentic food, so I looked for the shittiest, most out-of-the-way place I could find. In what looked like a back alleyway, I spotted a number of chairs and tables and native Indians sitting around drinking and eating, not a white person to be found. Perfect.

I ordered up some chicken tikka and samosa. Best $2 chicken tikka I've ever had. OK, probably the only $2 chicken tikka I've ever had. It was good, not great. But then I realized why there were so many people congregating there - there were a couple of TVs set up outside showing WWF Wrestlemania. They were absolutely fascinated.

Asia Dispatch Week: Catfights, Prawn Heads

2005-10-13T06:43:00.000-07:00

Filed Wednesday, 10/12/2005, 9:35 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

Was eating a bowl of prawn noodle soup outside at one of the small restaurants at the Hokku center when I got in the middle of a catfight. And I’m not talking about some Long Island tramps clawing at each other over some Wall Street banker/douchebag. I mean actual cats.

Hokku center is the name for a marketplace where they have little booths with all kinds of different foods: Indian, Vietnamese, Malay, Pakistani, Chinese, you name it. It looks like a farmers market, with indoor/outdoor spaces and bright, backlit signs showing every kind of food imaginable. After a few passes through, I settled on the noodle prawn place.

In New York, whenever you eat outside, squirrels and pigeons inevitably come at you begging for food. At this Hokku center, it was cats from a nearby park. And a lot of them. I would look down only to find a tabby-looking beast staring up at me offering baleful looks. Then another one would come. And another, until there were seven or eight of them at my feet.

As with pigeons and squirrels, I tried to not pay any attention to them. And then all of a sudden, two started hissing, growling, and generally going ape shit while staring each other down. I lazily stared at one, then the other. They seemed to get the hint that they were bugging the shit out of me. One by one, they started to walk away, but the first one that came over lay at my feet. So I threw her a prawn head that she happily ate, and all was good.

--

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles to discarded prawn heads vanish."

[Ed. note: apologies to John Quincy Adams]

Asia Dispatch Week: Who Created This Shitty Itinerary?

2005-10-12T04:41:00.000-07:00

Filed Tuesday, 10/12/2005, 4:21 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

I must have the words "I want to get laid" written on my forehead. Either that or the sex business in this part of the world is still running strong [Ed. note - something tells me it's a little of both].

I've now had two people tell me that I need to get my Western ass over to Bangkok. One middle-aged woman who was eating dinner in my group one night leaned over conspiratorially and said, "You know Bangkok, it's called 'Man's Paradise'!
You know what I mean?"

I told another man that Las Vegas was our "Sin City" and he laughed and shook his head, "Nooo... Bangkok is real sin city! You lose money in Las Vegas. You lose kidney in Bangkok!"

Say no more, get me on the next plane there.

Asia Dispatch Week: Singapore Tranny District

2005-10-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

Filed Tuesday, 10/11/2005, 9:36 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

The hotel I'm staying at is near the airport and the industrial area. I'm told that the surrounding neighborhood, for some unknown reason, turns into a transvestite playground where people cruise the streets.

They have a saying here: "Man chase woman. If woman chase man, probably not woman!"

Asia Dispatch Week: They've Got Some Balls Over There

2005-10-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Filed Tuesday, 10/11/2005, 1:53 AM by Kirin Sapporo
Location: Singapore

I'm over here on the other side of the earth. Was just having lunch with my guide and the conversation went something like this,

Her: I take you to Foo Ko. All kinds of food. You know Foo Ko?

Me: Nope, I don't think we have Foo Ko in New York.

Her: Ok, we go.

(Drive to nearby mall, see restaurants)

Me: Oh, you mean FOOD COURT.

Her: Yeah, that's what I say - Foo Ko.

Of course this food court has things like a "pig entrails" stand and a fried stand with all sorts of "balls." Big on the balls here.

I'll have a day or two free to explore downtown where I can rate and rank the happy endings.

Oh wait, that's Bangkok.

They keep telling me I should go to Thailand next time. Apparently there are package deals from here for $250 for 4 days, 3 nights, 2-hour flight, boy or girl included. After the disaster in Phuket, they are really courting tourism.

Having fun here though. It's a funny place. Not quite sure what to make of it, and I get the feeling that Singapore isn't quite sure what to make of itself, either.

Asia Dispatch Week

2005-10-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

We have something very special for Muk Report readers this week. Upper West Side correspondent, Kirin Sapporo, has been dispatched to the far reaches of the globe to offer his trenchant insight and musings on the fascinating cultures of Singapore and Japan.

Prepare for a week of delectable omakase, chili crab, cheap electronics, and quasi-legal pederasty. Not content simply to reinforce existing stereotypes, Mr. Sapporo will also attempt to create some new ones.

So, without further delay, let us commence Asia Dispatch Week!